MAZL 5 years ago

Hi girls. 

We have all been silent for a while and I was wondering how you were. Another Christmas and birthday have passed and I still miss my lovely Bill. I know I always will but now I am remembering good times rather than bad. My daughter and family moved back up her in January so life has been a bit hectic as they stayed with me in various permutations for a month which had my head spinning!! They are now in their own house so things have calmed down! I will look after my little granddaughter one day a week until she starts school in September. I'm looking forward to the better weather when we can get in to the garden together. The sadness of the situation is that Bill would have loved having them close. The little one still tells me she misses grandpa but has accepted that he will not be coming back.

I hope you are beginning to find your feet, it is so difficult getting to grips with all the annual admin on top of the emotions that keep rearing their ugly heads. I feel that I have sorted everything then have to start all over again. Just life I suppose. 

Take care.

Marilyn

Polpatt 5 years ago

Hi Marilyn, nice to hear from you again. Well, I survived my first Christmas, my birthday and New Year, in fact, it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. I had a bit of a wobble when I was putting up and decorating the trees, as assembling them was Philip’s job and I got the stands round my neck, not literally, but you know whatbI mean! I didn’t know whether to do all the trees this time, but as The whole family was coming for Boxing Day lunch as always, thought I would. Christmas Day I took my little dog, Lottie for a long walk first thing, then Inwent to my younger son and his family for Christmas dinner. It’s difficult to be miserable with lots of excited little great grandchildren running around. SonI had a happy day really. Also on Boxing Day, I managed roast lunch for 16, but had a lot of welcome help. On my birthday I had a constant stream of visitors, and I went out for supper, so that too passed happily. I am finding this time more difficult, as it was Late January last year that Phil started to become unwell, and I am reliving the anniversaries of all the scans, blood tests and hospital visits. I think these next weeks will continue to haunt me, and it’s so hard to feel positive when I keep thinking of his last few weeks. I seem to have shaken off those awful bouts of weeping that assailed me early on, but now, in my worst moments, it’s just a heavy, empty bleakness. Most of the time I’m fine, and am getting used to living on my own, infact mostly I’m content. I still miss my Philip like crazy. Hope I haven’t depressed you, but I know you will appreciate these feeling, having been through it yourself. Take care, my friend, and keep in touch. Xx

Carol50 5 years ago

HI Girls,

Nice to hear from you both again and that you both got through Christmas/new year/birthdays ok. Like you both I had a lot of family round me which helped a lot but it's when I came home on my own that I just sobbed for 3 hours and felt desperately sad at one in the morning but I think you get used to the fact that we will have these wobbles and we will be ok again the next day, which is what happened. 

I went to Australia after boxing day for my sons wedding so it was a bit bitter sweet as Roger wasn't there but everyone kept mentioning him and I felt he was there with us. I really felt it being on my own and seeing lots of couples about though. It was a lovely holiday and the wedding could not have gone better, back to reality now though. 

I have made some lovely friends, from both the hospice and my neighbours and I'm making myself join groups, so a choir (even though I cant sing, but its as a group), line dancing and I've just booked a last minute holiday with a friend for a few days,(she lost her husband last year too) so we will see if its goes well and if so we can book something bigger in the summer.

I really miss the time spent on holidays and sharing our time together, but I know we have to move on and build a new life, it just doesn't seem the same.

I'm doing ok but like yourselves all the time everything is ok you can cope but as soon as something happens, it seems a big deal, I know we are all in the same situation and you'll understand, I know what you mean about admin, it took me 6 months to get to grips with it all, but need to write reminders down for this year now, hope it gets easier soon.

lots of hugs, take care and keep in touch, it's nice to share.

Carol xx

MAZL 5 years ago

Hi. I thought of you all while reading this

Dolly32x 5 years ago

[quote]I am feeling so utterly lost and hopeless. I lost my wonderful husband and soulmate a week before our 32nd wedding anniversary, and three weeks before his birthday. He was diagnosed with metatastic renal cell carcinoma in mid February this year, and he died just two months later on 26th April. The disease progressed at a frightening rate and my lovely sporty, handsome husband lost three stones on weight and turned into a frail,old man before our eyes. I have a wonderful supportive family so I am luckier than some people, but despite all they do for me, I feel so alone and lonely. My life seems like a foreign country and each day seems so long. Some days I cannot stop crying and I am thinking that everyone will get tired of these upsets. I know it’s early days, but I feel so out of control. [/quote]