Lostdaughter 6 years ago
My father has stage 4 melanoma. 26 months ago he was give 15-18 months to live. He is now discharged to hospice. He has been a fighter, but we all know in the end that cancer will always win. I look at my Father sometimes and think about how he no longer resembles the man who raised me. He looks like he has ageda Million years. He is frial, he has very slow mobility and fatigue has become a curse. Everything tires him out. He has been in hospice for one month now. He is not in any pain, however everyday he becomes weaker and weaker. I have read several of the blogs and I appreciate the assistance of how to recognize death as I am a thousand miles away from my father and will have to travel to get to him. He and my mother were residing with me until his discharge, at which time he asked to go to Cape Verde. I made the trip with him and returned home to an empty house. And then started the crying. I find myself crying every day. It could be just a thought of him, it could be a piece of mail, finding something that belongs to him, or even just walking into his bedroom. I can't stop the crying. I don't want to be strong anymore. And I don't want to see people or talk about it. I feel like is am consuming myself with work to avoid grief. And also I ask myself why am I grieving so much when my Father is still here. The anticipation of his death is bothering me so, to the extent that I physically am starting to have my own series of ailments. I am Feeling so alone even though I know I am not.