Cecily 5 years ago
I lost my dearest husband 3 weeks ago today. It was a deeply traumatic journey of just 6 crisis filled weeks that led to his death. He fell, struck his head hard, and had a stroke. As a result he had scans and it was found that he had terminal malignant melanoma that had metastisised into many parts of the body as well as the brain. He was being investigated for a series of medical issues through the summer but the cancer did not show in blood tests and other tests, and no professional spotted the real culprit. By the time the scans came back after the accident he really had no chance. Despite this I tried with all my heart to find ways to buy time and to strengthen him, and he was very positive and recovery focused throughout his initial 3 weeks, but he deteriorated frighteningly fast and slipped away from me. All through this 6 weeks I have been in profound shock, and since his death this has continued, and I have many and frequent flashbacks that are so distressing. He was the absolute centre of my universe and love of my life. I am now feeling desperate, in despair, terrified, lonely beyond words. We had no children and I have no family near to me. Friends try to help but all my friends are married and cannot understand what it's like. I'm trying to connect with people who can comprehend what this is like for me, which is hard as there are no bereavement support groups local to me. I feel like half of me has been cut away, that there is absolutely no future and no point to living, that most of me has died anyhow, that I will not be able to cope without him. The smallest things are hard for me, not to say almost impossible. I have lost much weight which I didn't have spare in the first place, and am very thin, with little interest in caring for myself. I blame myself very very much for his death, for not seeing what was happening and asking more questions, pressing people for solutions. I am not very assertive and now I think I was too frightened to investigate what could have been happening, so that he might have had a chance of treatment. It is as if looking back I couldn't be bothered to try harder or was frozen in some way, or thought everything would magically be alright. It is terrible to review the past and not be able to change it. I don't know how to live with this guilt either. I wish there were some more support for bereaved people, all my GP has offered is anti depressants. It has been suggested to me to join forums, which isn't my style but I am trying to follow this advice. I know that there is no solution out there, and I know that I have to just feel what I feel and if I survive, which feels unlikely at the moment, then it might get slightly less unbearable one day. That's what people say. So I don't really have a question, just writing it all down as has been suggested to me.