MAZL 6 years ago

Hello Tonylin

I can understand how you feel. Since my husband died in August 2017 I have had so many what ifs, if onlys and why didn't Is that I feel I could write a book. It is only natural. I have now started some bereavement counselling locally and it is helpful to talk to a totally objective person about things I perhaps would not mention to family and friends . The guilt and the anger of finding oneself in this situation need to surface and be dealt with as does the grieving. Everyone faces it differently and only you know what is the best way for you.

Take care. 

tonylin 6 years ago

Hello MAZL,

Thank you for taking the time to write. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband in 2017. I have lost many of my family over the past few years including my Mother last year but nothing can compere to the loss of my wife and the way cancer destroyed her. Maybe I will go for bereavement counselling one day. At the moment though I have resigned myself that this is what life is and millions of people are like us. Makes me wonder what the point of it all was for. At the moment I think the best way for me is just to carry on grieving and knowing that life as I knew is over.

Thank you again

Tonylin

LadyB 6 years ago

Hi Tony,

I really feel for you like many of us do. You say you wonder how others have coped. People are very good at hiding grief. I went to a counsellor "knowing" that it wouldn't help me as they didn't know my relative. They advised 6 sessions, but I went to 3 and then "gave up". After giving up on the counselling sessions, I was actually feeling a little better where I was more in control of my emotions. I could understand a bit better, I could sleep a bit longer in-between waking up in the night. Nobody can teach us or tell us how we should react. We are all different, but everyone's way is very "normal". Take a step back and ask yourself what your wife would want for you. Go and sit in your favourite place, eat in her favourite restaurant and talk about her. Sometimes when I'm feeling like emotions are building up, I realise I may not have spoken about them for a day or 2 and kept it to myself. Speaking out loud really helps I found. What also helped me was writing a diary each day, or other day about what you have done, your feelings, your hopes and beliefs etc. Even if it is just for you to read.

I hope this helps a little bit. I'm sending you best wishes for a tough time ahead, but time will get easier as you learn ways of coping. Big hug to you and your family at this hard time x

tonylin 6 years ago

Hi LadyB,

             Thank you for taking the time to write. I know a lot of what you say is true but I can't go to places where we used to go, I just can't do it. What has helped me a bit though was you saying to keep a diary. I have never kept a diary but my wife always did. I decided to go up the loft and find her old diary's. I managed to find 42 and have been reading them and I realised what a happy 51 years we had. I don't know how we managed to fit it all in. Lots of stuff in the diary's I had completely forgotten. My wife only wrote happy things she didn't do sad. This became apparent when I noticed an odd blank page. I checked the dates of these blank pages and I found these were days when something sad had happened in our family. A family member dying or the loss of one of our dogs etc. The good thing is there are so few blank pages.It took a while to read the diary's with my eyes full of tears but I am so glad I did.

Thank you again x

LadyB 6 years ago

Hi Tonylin,

I'm so pleased this has given you some comfort, through the tears. There are so many memories we can forget when grieving, about the fun times. At first all the sad times are at the front of our memories. I may come across such simple things like a smell, a song, a film, that suddenly gives me a flashback of good times when my parents were alive. i'll just grin to myself, and more memories will come back. Just keep working hard and getting through each day, and week. I say "working" coz it does feel like it sometimes. Some days are more tiring when you grieve.

Just remember the smiles. You had a long time together, so many good times and memories to keep. Obviously it is never long enough though. Hugs x