Death of Dad

mikescfc49 5 years ago

7 replies

Hi All, I've debated internally whether to write on this page but I am having a tough time dealing with my Dads passing, made slightly worse by the speed of his death and the fact that the day after Dads funeral ( last Tuesday ) my partner of nearly a year decided that she had enjoyed the time spent alone whilst I was in Kent at Dads funeral and she left me too.

Dad was 84  ( just turned on 25th Dec ) at his passing and had really never been poorly and always active, and a huge social calendar,  then on the 1st Tuesday of Feb he was rushed into Hospital and was taken to ICU, I live 200 + miles away from Kent in West Yorkshire but was asked not to drive down as Mum didnt want the whole family to descend on the hospital at that time, the following day I received a call from my younger brother to tell me Dad had gone down for a second CT scan and had been having seizures most of the night, but apart from that there was no change, he said he would call again when he knew more.

Not half an hour had passed ( lunchtime ) when he called me again, Dads second CT scan had showed that he had suffered a massive stroke & 75% of his brain was dead, the hospital would be turning off his life support machine later that day, my only words were " I'm on my way", Needless to say I did not make it and Dad passed at 5.15pm.

So my query if there is one, is how does one cope with such a loss that happened so very very quickly and no one saw coming ?

Samantha 5 years ago

Hello mikescfc49,

Welcome to our online community, thank you for taking the time to share about your personal situation with us and others, we understand how unnerving it can be to reach out for the first time.

We’re sorry to read about the loss of your dad and to hear all that you have experienced over recent weeks including your breakup. This must have been a lot to deal with during such a difficult time. It also sounds as though everything has happened very quickly for you and so it’s understandable that you’re wondering how you may cope with this.

While everyone grieves the loss of a loved one differently, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve, the important thing is to let yourself grieve as much and as long as you need to. We feature information about grieving in your own way which you may find of interest on our website here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grieving-your-way .

People often tell us that being able to talk openly and honestly can be a comfort and can help us begin to understand our emotions. Some people choose to do this with people they are close to whereas others prefer to talk to someone outside of their friends and family, such as ourselves here at the Support Line. If you feel that a listening ear may be beneficial, you can reach us on Freephone 0800 090 2309.

We hope that others on our community will also comment and share with you their personal experiences as a way of offering their support to you but please don’t be afraid to continue talking to us through here about anything in the meantime if you would like to.

Take care,

Sam – Support Line Team

Jacq1 5 years ago

I’m suffering similarly to yourself, my dad was never I’ll, he was 80 going on 81 this year, he had a sore leg recently and was back and forward to the go, go said that there was nothing wrong and to go and enjoy his time, he wasn’t ok, he tripped in the house going upstair, ended up in a&e, that was the 5th feb, my dad died on 21st feb with secondary bone cancer and stage 4 lung cancer...there was no attempt whatsoever to help him at any stage in the 16 days he was in hospital! I’m just starting to absorb the fact that he is gone! A fit man (ex Olympian) Tokyo! I’m on auto pilot...

Brigette 5 years ago

Hi Jacq1,

We're sorry to read about the recent loss of your dad and to hear about how sudden it all was. To experience the loss of a loved one so quickly, who you believed to be fit and healthy, is a lot to take on board. Grief is a very personal experience and it is not unusual for somebody to be in shock and to run on auto pilot during the early stages.

Many people tell us that talking about their experience can help them begin to process both their thoughts and feelings. If you feel this would be beneficial then our Support Line is here to provide you with a safe and confidential space to talk, and hopefully others on the community will be able to share their experiences with you too.

Take Care,

Brigette – Support Line Team

Jacq1 5 years ago

Thanks Brigette, I’ll call soon.x

Emmac 5 years ago

Hi All I considered joining an online forum and after reading your post Mike thought I would respond to even if possible give some advice. My story isn’t too dissimilar but I had 7 months to get used to the fact my dad had cancer. He died the day after my 39th birthday and he was 61. He had never been ill and had a polyp removed from him nose that aggravated hodgekins lymphoma and he had a grown on his face from his nose that alerted us to the fact it was too late days before Christmas. I wasn’t with him as he died in his sleep and had taken the decision to go home. One that I regret daily. This year will be the second anniversary and with Father’s Day coming up feeling teary and getting very vivid flashbacks. I wanted to post to say that I really found grief counselling at a hospice helped so much. I left it 6 months before it all got a bit too much and I went to my GP who told me I could medicate or self refer for counselling. Needless to say I self referred. I also looked into one of the other charities for grief as well ‘cause’ I think it is or something similar. Grief is very secular and bespoke as I have found with myself, mum and sister but it’s worth trying out dofferent things and seeing what works for you. When it’s sudden there’s so much going through your head, I hadn’t even accepted he was dying let alone be ready to grieve for him when he went. I wish you all the best and hope you find a coping mechanism that works for you and brings you some ease.