Hello

H3lp 1 month ago

7 replies

Am new here so hello everyone. I lost my mum to cancer in October and although she had been in and out of hospital for over a year and we were lucky enough to have our last Christmas and birthday with her it has not been easy. I went back to work after only two weeks because I need routine in my life due to poor mental health but I can't help but feel like I am letting her and my dad who passed almost 9 years ago down. I have a younger sister and brother who I promised I would look after but to be honest we are all adults even if my brother doesn't act like it. It is only me and him left in the house now and it is a constant battleground because he will not take responsibility for himself. My sister keeps saying I should let him fend for himself and maybe I should but I can't since I promised mum I would look after him. I guess I am looking for some reassurance that I am doing the right thing but I know I have to prioritise myself and my mental health over anything and anyone else. 

Hannah11 1 month ago

Hello H3lp, 

Welcome to the Online Community. Thank you for sharing with us today. 

I'm sorry to read about the loss of your mum and all you have been experiencing since. 

It can be difficult to let someone take care of themselves if we have made a promise to help, as your brother is an adult he is able to make decisions around his life and wellbeing even if you feel they may not be the best ones. We appreciate this can be hard. 

Prioritising someone else needs and forgetting that our own needs are important too can be very easy to do. There are times where we have to prioritise own health and wellbeing. This is not a selfish thing to do.

It sounds like the loss of your mum has been understandably tough for you and it's not unreasonable for you to need to take some time to process and focus on your mental health. 

Our Online Community is here for you and we hope others will read your post and share their experiences too. 

You can also always call our Support Line on 0800 090 2309 7 days a week if you feel you would ever like to chat. 

Take care, 

Hannah - Support Line Officer

H3lp 1 month ago

Thanks for your kind words, Hannah. 

It is not easy for me to pick up a phone and call someone but believe me if I feel that it is needed I will. 

Today is an emotional day for me and I can't stop crying. I have no idea why I am like this today but it hopefully will be a better day tomorrow. 

I am not sleeping all that great and whenever I do I keep dreaming about my ex's mum, who passed a year after we split up. I remember sending my condolences in a message and then deciding that I would not attend the funeral if I was asked so that I could close the door on the relationship. My ex hurt me a lot with the split and while she wanted to remain friends and keep in touch. I knew I couldn't live my life watching her move on with someone else. Obviously, I am over her it has been almost 7 years but the hurt still lingers clearly and although not actively looking for a relationship I know I need to move on myself. I don't get why I keep dreaming about people who are not in my life anymore but I did have a dream recently that comforted me. I dreamt that mum came to visit us and I told her to go back to heaven with dad that she wasn't meant be here anymore. She gave me a hug and told me she loved me before she disappeared. I have also seen her more than once when I have gotten up during the night. So I know that she is a better place and is happy finally with dad but I obviously still miss her and hate that I took her for granted when she was alive. Obviously I have had the closure with her that I didn't get at the time when my dad passed but as I was the one who found her dead I am haunted by that last vision of her and the feeling that I should have known sooner she was dead. I keep going over that night in my head which is making everything so much worse. I know I cannot change anything but still it haunts me terrible at night. 

Is there anything anyone could suggest to switch my mind off at night so that I can get what is considered a decent nights sleep?  

Thanks again. All the best 

Daffodil 1 month ago

Hello H3lp,

I am a volunteer with Marie Curie as well as well as someone who has lost a parent and is a carer. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, following the loss of your dad some years ago. It sounds like there are a lot of thoughts going through your head and that some of them appear in your dreams. It can be very unsettling when that happens, and it is natural that your sleep is affected by this.

It seems that you are looking for conversation, and Hannah has already mentioned the Support Line, which can provide a friendly ear to listen and provide information and support, and this forum, where others may write about their own experiences. I also wanted to let you know about the Marie Curie telephone bereavement service, from which I benefited very much when I was grieving a parent. You will find more information about this here: Marie Curie Telephone Bereavement Service.

Personally, I have also found regular walks or runs very useful: just spending some time in a park listening to music or just 'running' with my thoughts . I started with just 10 minutes outdoors (I was sceptical!), and started to sleep so much better not long after adopting this routine. There are, to my knowledge, many people who experience similar benefits from having a routine of taking time for themselves to do an activity they enjoy and that gives their brains time to process thoughts and dreams. Is that something you would consider?

Take good care,

💛 Anke, a Member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team

H3lp 1 month ago

Thanks, Anke for both your thoughts and advice 

I have found it easier to sleep this weekend as I have been trying to stick to a regular routine as my holidays from work are ending. I think as I didn't have work to keep me busy and distracted that old bad habits creeped in. 

I have been trying to keep myself occupied so as not to let the melancholy in but sometimes it gets in anyway. 

I will keep in mind the actions you outlined and will call if I feel things slipping again. I find comfort in knowing that the help is out there if and when I need it. 

I have been putting my needs first and getting to a place where I can be myself without judgement. I will prioritise "me time" by listening to music and reading or perhaps writing. I have found that writing about things gets them out of my head and onto the blank page and is a great outlet for my emotions at the moment. 

Many thanks. Take care. 😊

LauraMC1 3 days ago

Hello H3lp,

I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing?
It's good to read in your most recent post that you have found writing down your emotions has helped and that you are looking after yourself and your own needs as best you can.

As Anke said with both our Telephone Support and here at the Online Community we are always here for you so do reach out if you feel it would help.

Warmest wishes,
Laura (member of Marie Curie's Information and Support team)