I am feeling so utterly lost and hopeless. I lost my wonderful husband and soulmate a week before our 32nd wedding anniversary, and three weeks before his birthday. He was diagnosed with metatastic renal cell carcinoma in mid February this year, and he died just two months later on 26th April. The disease progressed at a frightening rate and my lovely sporty, handsome husband lost three stones on weight and turned into a frail,old man before our eyes. I have a wonderful supportive family so I am luckier than some people, but despite all they do for me, I feel so alone and lonely. My life seems like a foreign country and each day seems so long. Some days I cannot stop crying and I am thinking that everyone will get tired of these upsets. I know it’s early days, but I feel so out of control.
Hello Polpatt
I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your husband, your soulmate, and to hear how lost you are feeling.
With everything that you have gone through so recently, it’s understandable that you have been finding things difficult and feeling out of control.
Losing a loved one can evoke a range of powerful emotions. Often people tell us that they feel a sense of unreality along with feelings of intense sadness, and tears. You may find it helpful to look at our information about grieving in your own way here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grieving-your-way . It’s important to know that whilst everyone grieves differently, you don’t have to go through bereavement alone.
Many find that talking can be a helpful and comforting experience. Whilst it’s good to hear that you have a wonderful, supportive family, some people also choose to reach out and talk about how they are feeling with someone outside of their family or friends. Sometimes this can make it easier to be open without worrying about the impact this may have. Many people choose to do this with a Support Line, such as ourselves. If you feel that you would be comfortable reaching out to us yourself, then please do so by calling us on Freephone 0800 090 2309.
We also feature further information about getting bereavement support on our website which you may find useful to read here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/bereavement-or-grief-counselling
If you would like to get in touch with us, our opening hours are Monday to Friday 8am to 6pm and on a Saturday 11am to 5pm. You can reach us on our Freephone number above, or through our live web chat function here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/marie-curie-support-line
Take care,
Sam
Marie Curie Support Line
Hello Polpatt
Believe me when I say I know how you feel. I lost my lovely husband very suddenly last August (just coming up to the first anniversary). He went in to hospital at 2.30 in the morning and he died at 10.30 that night. I have spent the last year facing all the admin that goes with losing a partner and living on adrenalin. Like you my immediate family have been very supportive but they do not live near me. Friends have been wonderful but I am beginning to feel that they are getting weary of the fact that I am still struggling to look forward rather than backwards. In fact just this morning one of them said I should decide what I want to do with my life and make plans. I know he meant well but it really hurt. So I know what you mean about living in a foreign country and being out of control. I cannot offer advice but just wanted to let you know that I am here.
Thank you MAZL for replying to my post. I know you have the same feelings of loss and fear of a lonely future as I have. The last few weeks, I have been more settled but I dread the long dark nights and dreary days ahead, as well as the anniversaries, Birthdays, Christmas and New Year celebrations. My family are local, so I am lucky in that respect, and they are very supportive and understanding, but like you, I am fearful that their understanding and patience will run out before my grief does. I am constantly reliving those awful last weeks, and hoping that in The last moments, my darling knew I was there and how much I loved him.
I am hoping that the anniversary of your husband’s death passes without too many tears and that your friends are a comfort to you. God bless x
Hi Polpatt and Mazl
I too lost my husband to hormonal cancer in june, I consider myself lucky in the fact of knowing 4 years ago when he was diagnosed that it was terminal and just a matter of time, their was no cure so I have had time to accept I was going to loose him. It doesn’t make the loss any easier though when they actually pass and I too am feeling very lonely and alone, I am having an emotional day today.. I have tried to go out and join clubs and not be sad as Roger would not want me to be, but it is so hard to be happy when you are constantly thinking about them not being there with you and very hard when you loose your ‘confidant rock’.
I had a counseling session but they tell you it’s hard and you are coping well but it doesn’t replace your other half, I really miss the laughter and just having that person there to share things with.
Hi Carol
I know what you mean. I turned in to the world’s biggest wimp when Bill died very suddenly without any warning. All my get up and go got up and went. Luckily I still go to my pilates and yoga classes but when I get home there is nobody to have a laugh with or just sit with doing nothing. Most people I know are in couples and can at times seem very smug (not intentionally I am sure).
I haven’t had any counselling yet but have been referred by my GP to a bereavement counsellor, I await the phone call. A year down the line and the hole is just as big and the pain as hard. I think he would be amazed at how much I miss him!
Hi Carol50; so very sorry to hear of your recent bereavement, nobody can imagine the empty, lonely feeling of despair until it it happens to them, to lose your lifetime love and soulmate is more than heartbreaking, in fact, a word hasn’t been invented to describe the feelings of loss, fear, anger, aloneness that sits like a stone inside you. I feel I am beginning to cope, but still have days of bleak despair and loneliness, and cannot even contemplate a Christmas without Phil in it. We got a puppy in Decemberlast year, before Phil became sick, not knowing what the future held in store, and although I thought we had made a big mistake when he became ill, little Lottie is a great comfiort to me. It is good to have another living, breathing presence in the house, and I have to stir myself to take her for walks. I hope you can find some comfort too, as it is early days for you too. My thoughts are with you. X
Thank you for your comments, it does help knowing others are in the same position and feel the same and understand. I am at the end of a week away on my own, convelesing and I have made myself go out, it has been easy going shopping because Roger would not have liked that but the evenings and dinner times have been hard, I went out for dinner at a restaurant alone for the first time (I took a book)Feeling very proud of myself. It feels like another challenge accomplished. I am allergic to pets but am going to foster short time in the summer house so hoping that will help, someone to give spare love too.
I dont know if you feel the same but i find it so helpful on this discussion forum i cannot imagine trying to talk when you are sobbing with tears rolling down your face and feeling sorry for yourself, which happen occasionally. Thanks guys just for sharing your stories. xx
Yes, the weeping when something, maybe quite trivial sets you off, that feeling of not being in control of your emotions. Last week I had a dental appointment, and we always went together, that set me off. My first GP appointment too. Sometimes it’s a piece of music, or a song we both loved, or a photo of happier times. Next week my youngest granddaughter is 18 and we are going out as a family for a meal. Last year, on her seventeenth we did the same, and I have the most beautiful and happy photo of the two of Hannah with her Grandad, so poignant, little did we know he would not be here for her landmark birthday. It’s as well we cannot see into the future.
Hi palpatt I always say the sadness and emotion is always just under the surface and it only takes something small to bring it to the surface like you say a price of music, photo etc. I always feel so embarrassed when I start to cry but I know people in the know understand. I hope you enjoy your granddaughters meal I know it will be hard not having him with you but he would want you all to enjoy it. My son gets married Jan in Australia I am going to feel it then but the family will all be there and I need to be strong for my son.
Hi both. My first Christmas was full of tears and memories. My granddaughter who was then nearly 3 couldn’t understand why grandpa wasn’t there. She still asks when he is coming back. Bless her. I do a lot of blinking in front of her. As you say it doesn’t take much for the tears to flow. I am going on holiday with a friend tomorrow. My first without Bill and whilst looking forward to getting away I am treating it as a challenge. My friend, despite being married, is a very independent lady and has diffuculry understanding how/why I was so dependent on him. Still I am determined to enjoy the break and hope to come back ready to face this second year. Take care both of you. Marilyn
Mazl, first of all I hope you have a lovely holiday, it will be very different but your friend sounds like a very independent lady who will surely look after you. My Philip was also my rock and my crutch, and he did so much for me, I guess I was rather spoilt. We did lots of things together both jobs, shopping and were happy with one another’s company. It is very hard to be alone now, but to have had such a wonderful husband and a happy marriage has been a gift and I am forever grateful for that. I am able to go shopping and out for meals with my family and a close friend, also a widow, but I have not managed anything solo up to now. It’s a case of lack of confidence and disinclination I think. So I admire you for giving it a go. Hope you will be able to relax and recharge your batteries while you are on holiday xx
Carol50 yes the tears are embarrassing when they erupt spontaneously, but I think most people understand, or try to. It sounds wonderful to look forward to your son’s wedding in January, and I think you are so brave to travel out to Australia for the occasion. There’s bound to be tears but on the whole it will be a joyful occasion I’m sure. I get the impression that you are much younger than me, I am a young 75! Although I don’t feel quite so young sometimes! My Phil was a sporty, handsome, fit man who always looked at least 15 years younger than his age, so although some would say he had a good innings, the loss is just as great after a lifetime together
Hi girls, Mazl I hope you can enjoy your holiday I have just come back from a week away on my own in a holiday flat, yes it is hard but when you manage a cinema, theatre and restaurant on your own you feel a sense of great achievement, I did have an evening of loneliness but that could have happened at home. I hope you get some confidence from your friend and enjoy yourself. Palpatt I am 59 and was happily married for 38 years he was 8 yrs older than me, so I feel I have a lots of years still to enjoy and live. I am very lucky as I have 2 fantastic married sisters who are flying out to Australia with me. I am travelling home via Tasmania and Perth with one of them. I hope I am a young 75 I intend to keep active and find girlie friends.
Hi mazl and palpatt How are you both doing? Mazl hope you coped well and enjoyed your holiday? Palpatt how are you coping doing things on your own? I went back to work last week, I enjoy my part time job, I sit in my own little office, I often found had to make myself concentrate and my mind wondered all over the place. I very often had tears rolling down my face, it’s hard to see when your eyes are wet lol Anyway still here but feeling the grief and pain of it all, it helps to talk.
Hello Carol50, nice to hear from you. It’s good you have gone back to work, while it’s not a cure for all the negative thoughts, it must certainly be a diversion. At my age, work is long in the distant past, with the exception of housework and gardening obviously, but they are solitary occupations. If you have work colleagues, at least for a time, it gives you something else to concentrate on. I would be lost without my little dog, Lottie, who will be a year old on 21st October. Such a lot has happened since that day almost a year ago, when Phil and I went to see our new puppy with her mum and siblings, and the happy day we brought her home on 17th December. Little did we know what was to happen four short months later. Lottie was a comfort to Philip during his illness, laying with him when he was resting, and she is a comfort to me now. Today she is feeling sorry for herself as she was spayed yesterday, so it’s my turn to comfort and reassure her. Hope you and Mazl are coping with your bereavement as best you can. Love to you both Polpatt
Hi palpatt
Thank you for your reply., where do you live? I live in south East England. Have you managed to go out solo for a meal/coffee yet?
One of my challenges was to go in a cafe by myself, I have now not only gone for coffee but had 2 separate occasions where I have gone for a meal on my own, I faced the window and took a book, I feel if the place is right I could do it again, no problem now.
I sold my husbands car the other day, it felt like I was giving part of him away, he loved that car it was very hard, I came in and said sorry to Rogers photo, I felt really guilty.
I went to a group meeting at pilgrims hospice, lovely group of ladies, we really got on and all had the same in common, we are meeting again independantly this Thurs for lunch. Looking forward to it.
Give lottie a cuddle from me, poor thing, she must be a great comfort to you. I had 2 days last week where I just could not stop sobbing, feel much better today, I suppose it is going to happen sometimes, good days and bad, do you still have those days even after 5 months?
Hi Carol50, to answer your question, I live in a village in North Lincolnshire, and no I haven’t been out solo yet, but I’m working on it. I had the same experience as you when I let my husbands car go, although his daughter has it complete with Philip’s personal number plate, butnInfelt so guilty too as he loved his Jag. I do see it when she visits, but it is a bitter sweet feeling, to see his car with somebody else at the wheel. It’s a funny thing how you feel so guilty about letting their things go, when they are never coming back for them, but I still feel that way, and even if I change something in the house, would he like it? It’s the same if I buy something, should I be spending this money? My husband was so generous too, so he would not have been bothered in life, so why do we feel guilty now. Is it because we are still here and they are not? Lottie is a lot better thanks, although I did have to take her back to the Vet last evening as Inwas a bit worried about her. It’s a full time job trying to stop her licking the wound, and she hates wearing the collar. I do still have really bad days, but now they are fewer, butnI admit I am dreading the Christmas, New Year period, and my birthday falls in that too. Dread waking up without my darling on those days, I know it will be emotional. Polpatt