Hi, I’m new here. My father passed away less than a week ago after six years battling terminal kidney disease and I feel strangely calm. I’m on and off crying and I believe things are starting to click. This calmness brings me guilt in a way and also fear that overwhelming feelings might come in full force a little later on. At the same time, I wonder if all this time with anticipatory grief is maybe making things a little easier? I’m so confused. My biggest fear in life was losing my dad and here I am, at his place feeling calm. Make that make sense to me please?
Hi, thepaintingwitch,
Thank you very much for reaching out to this Community. I am very sorry to hear that your father passed away after a long illness. It cannot have been easy for you to anticipate his passing for years, and as you say, you have experienced anticipatory grief.
Emotions following the passing of a loved one can be very unpredictable and, in my experience, change without notice, too. Many bereaved people feel numb at times. It has only been a few days since your loss, and it is understandable that you are confused and processing both the events and your emotions.
It is important for you to look after yourself right now - and you have already taken a step by writing here. Please feel free to write again at any time. Many in the Online Community will have experienced (in their own way) what you are going through right now, and may be able to offer further support.
If you are able to, you might also want to reach out to a friend. Is there anyone who would be happy to, say, go for a walk with you?
You are not alone in your experiences and emotions, as little sense as they may seem to make.
Take good care,
Anke, a Member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team
Thanks a lot for your words Anke I’m with family now and will be for the next five weeks before I go back to the Netherlands. My concern, is that when I get back to my normal routine at home, things will come crashing over me and, because I won’t have the same support system my mental health and emotional state can really go downhill 
Thank you for writing again, the paintingwitch! It is good to hear that you are with family for the next few weeks, and that you are able to support each other at the moment.
I understand that returning to a different country can be daunting. It sounds like this will be not only a geographical change for you, but also one of social circle and life rhythm. I was actually in a very similar situation (except the other way round, returning to the UK) when my dad died, so maybe I can share what helped me?
First of all, I took the advice of others (at first reluctantly) to take things around the time of the funeral one day, one hour, minute, or even one breath at a time. Also, taking little breaks (mentally and/or physically), say, for a cup of coffee or to look at a work of art, created moments of calm. Perhaps that is something you can consider for the next few days and weeks, too?
With regard to staying connected to people, no matter where they are, establishing a new habit of regular meet-ups or texts with family immediately after the funeral (in person or virtual, in smaller or larger intervals, depending on location and how things work best for everyone) has enabled me to carry those connections with me, so that the divide between the two spaces has shrunk. I have found that sending photos to each other, just to let us know we are thinking of each other, is a low-key but very reassuring practice that has become second nature by now.
From my experience, having a regular group of people to see - perhaps connected to a hobby or joint interest - can mark the passage of time with something to look forward to in a nice way. Is there any activity you have been wanting to pick up (again)? Then this might be something to consider.
Finally, as clichéd as it may sound, being out in nature every day, even just for a few minutes, can be invaluable. I take my phone to take photos when I spot something beautiful, and having done that both around my parents’ home and back here in the UK has created another form of connection, to my dual-nation self, and to nature. Perhaps that is something that appeals to you, too?
I’m afraid I do not know about bereavement support in the Netherlands, but that may be something to consider investigating, too. And there are online resources on grief on the Marie Curie website that may also help beyond your time in the UK. (Grief and practical tasks when someone dies | Marie Curie)
I hope others in this Community can add further thoughts! And please do feel free to write again at any time.
Anke, a member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team
Hello thepaintingwitch,
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your father. Grief can be so confusing and it is impossible to predict how we will feel from one day to the next which can be really disconcerting.
Anke has given some brilliant advice and I hope you have found that helpful.
I just wanted to write and say that your worry about ‘crashing’ is really valid and shows a lot of self-awareness, hopefully you will find support systems when you get back to the Netherlands, whether that is within your own friendship group, community support groups or possibly through your GP if you felt this would help.
I have had a little look online and it looks as though there is a support group called The Bereavement Group Amsterdam which has a page on FB who may be able to help. There are also a couple of helplines called de Luisterlijn and 113 Zelfmoordpreventie who state that they support people with grief and loss so it might be worth looking them up if you feel they may be helpful?
However you feel is real and valid to you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is such a challenging time and I hope that you can be kind to yourself.
Please know that you can always reach out to us here, even when you are back in the Netherlands, we will always try and support as best we can.
Warmest wishes,
Laura, Marie Curie Volunteer for the Online Community
Thanks a lot to you both, all your words and resources are greatly appreciated.
I don’t have much of a community in the Netherlands, mainly work friends. It’s a very emotionally cold country and hard to integrate, even if you’re fluent in Dutch. Unfortunately it will indeed be a more isolating experience than I would like to.
I do have friends all over, a lot in london as I lived there for 10 years but is not that I can fly over every weekend, so there’s that.
Today is one week since he passed and i had a strange dream where he was abandoning us and I was trying to find a phone ringing in his suitcase as he was waiting for a call from a woman. I cried quite a bit last night but I forced myself to stop as I didn’t want my little brother to see it.
Regarding my time, I’m gonna ask for time off work until August as I don’t want to go back and be angry or rude to people who have nothing to do with it.
I’m dreading the Christmas time, what am I gonna do? Where will I go?
My mother starting acting out again, she has her own problems but I don’t think she acknowledges that her children are suffering, it has always been like this but I would imagine that at least now she would show some empathy.
About activities I wanted to take back… I’ve been considering, after years, to go back to painting. My father liked my illustrations so I guess it can be a way to be closer to him, I really don’t know.
Medical treatment in NL - The GPs will give you paracetamol, say that “these things happen to everyone” and send me home, hence why all my medical care is abroad, or in London or in Brazil.
I want to start exercising again today as I believe it will help with the stress I’m feeling.
I’m sorry if I sound negative or even if the way of composing this message is confusing.
Thank you so much once again for all your support 
Dear thepaintingwitch,
It is normal and natural for you to feel as you do at the moment. It sounds like there is much going through your mind.
It looks like you are considering taking up painting again as well as exercising. Perhaps you are able to take small steps in one of these directions in the next few days?
As Laura said, please feel free to use this community as a safe place to share your experiences in the future.
Take good care,
Anke, a member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team
Thanks a lot Anke Is the calmness that makes me feel weird. This morning we had to meet the lawyers and it gave me so much anxiety that I needed clonazepam to calm down afterwards. I want to do a test and spend a couple of days alone to see how I feel with no distractions but the idea is a bit scary, still I need to do this now before going back home. Is there a chance that this is just how things will be and I’ll be calm always? There are anger episodes but overall I don’t feel sad or anything. Somehow I still feel that I have a father and will always do maybe that’s giving me comfort?
Dear thepaintingwitch,
Thank you so much for keeping us posted on how you are doing and please don’t apologise or think you are being negative. You are going through a lot and you are allowed to be honest about how you are feeling.
It sounds as though the Netherlands is quite isolating for you. I’m glad you have friends elsewhere that you can reach out to and taking some time off from work could be a good option. It can be so hard to know what we want when we are in the early stages of grief but if your instinct is that you need a break then I would say do what you feel is right and what you need.
Your dream sounds very upsetting and dreams such as yours can leave quite a mark can’t they? They can be hard to shake off. In terms of not wanting to cry in front of your little brother, it is only natural to try and protect others and of course I don’t know what sort of relationship the two of you have, but you may find that showing your emotions in front of him will help both of you and he may then feel more open about expressing his feelings too?
It sounds as though things with your Mum are challenging. It is completely understandable that you are dreading occasions such as Christmas. I know it is easier said than done, but if you can, try and take just one day at a time.
Going back to painting could be a lovely idea, even if you don’t feel ready just now, it could be something for the future. And exercising can help with stress, I personally love walking and I find it helps me process things in a really positive and peaceful way. I guess it’s about finding what works for you.
Sorry to hear you don’t have much confidence in your GP. It can be very hard to get the understanding you need in these situations.
Please know that we are always here to listen and we will always try to understand and support where we can.
Warmest wishes,
Laura, Marie Curie volunteer for the Online Community
Thanks for your words Laura It’s indeed very confusing and tiring. Today is the day to collect his ashes and no one told me about it… The only thing I knew is that someone would send me some urns to pick from, which never happened. Today my mother showed up here asking if I chose anything cause today is the day. She and my older brother have conversations which I’m not included and they imagine that they told me about it. I will not pick a Tupperware like urn on the fly because I’m not included on such important steps. The level of rage I felt is something I never experienced before, once again I had to make clear that these things are important to me. Feels like no one cares about my father but me and is very isolating when you realised the you lost the only parent who liked you.
Dear thepaintingwitch,
I am so sorry to hear that you had such a tough day. The situation with your fathers ashes and subsequent conversation with your mum sound really challenging. It is natural to feel anger in the face of such loss and heart break. I’m sorry to hear that it has left you feeling more isolated. Do you feel able to talk to your mother and brother about how you feel?
I appreciate family dynamics can be very complex.
Take care and thank you for continuing to reach out.
Warmest wishes, Laura, Marie Curie volunteer for the Online Community Team.
Thanks Laura My mother doesn’t understand empathy so it will only hurt me more. It’s very hard when the only parent who liked you goes, it really is
Good morning thepaintingwitch,
I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing?
It sounds a very difficult time for you so I just wanted to reiterate that we are here to offer support if you feel it is useful.
Warmest wishes
Laura, Marie Curie Volunteer for the Online Community.
Good morning Laura and thanks for checking in. Things are up and down here and I feel alone in this, not due to the lack of kindness from friends and strangers but my mother doesn’t seem to care. And not just about me but my brother who’s autistic. Seems like she doesn’t want to spend time with him and is more worried about the financials, which are beneficial for her. I don’t live in my home country so, I needed help to her a prescription for my medication that are running out, she offered to help because her cousin is a specialist but never followed up. I have to fight with her all the time so she will help with anything. It’s frustrating. Now my father’s dog is sick, and is not good. If he survives he will need a lot of care after the operation and I’m 100% sure she won’t do it, he turned her house into something that looks like an abandoned house, is dirty and a mess and all self inflicted not because she doesn’t have the resources to avoid it. I got her therapy and everything so I don’t get it. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I want to go home and there’s no sign of when I can go, this is not helping and no one tells me what’s happening.
Hello thepaintingwitch,
We’re sorry to read that your father passed away recently, and all that you’re going through.
It sounds as though things are really difficult for you at the moment. Navigating grief can be emotionally exhausting. If you’re able to, please take some time to be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you.
Thank you for sharing your situation with our Online Community, hopefully others will see your posts and share their situation and experience with you too. We often hear that talking to others and reaching out can be comforting, so we hope that this is some sort of help for you. Please continue to post on our Online Community as often as you like.
We also wanted to remind you that our Support Line is here to offer emotional support on 0800 090 2309 or via our online chat.
Take good care,
Marie Curie Online Community Team
It’s a real shame that I also had to put my father’s dog to sleep 2 days ago…
Good afternoon thepaintingwitch,
Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your father’s dog, that must be incredibly upsetting for you, especially at this time when the death of your father is so raw.
It sounds as though things are very challenging with your Mum. It must be extremely difficult managing your relationship with her along with everything else.
I am glad to hear you have some support from friends.
Thank you for continuing to reach out.
Warmest wishes
Laura, Marie Curie volunteer for the Online Community