I live in Chestfield a little village outside Whitstable. I’m glad I am not the only one re: car. I also felt really guilty when I spent some time buying clothes I couldn’t stop spending for a while, Roger was the same he wouldn’t have minded but the feeling was just the same, you tend to think would he have approved!
Philip sounds lovely from what you have told me, just like Roger who was always happy, contented, generous and always said ‘My Carol’. and he always told people how much he loved me (which was really nice). I really miss that.
I am like you, very apprehensive about xmas, although I am flying to oz the day after boxing day so will be in Australia for new year and my 60th birthday on 4th jan and then I have my sons wedding. I normally love xmas and we always decorated the bungalow with xmas lights (which I am not doing this year as its not worth it) but not really looking forward to it, it just won’t be the same. I was thinking the other day what will Roger buy me for xmas I think I might go out and buy myself a treat! why don’t you do the same?
Mazl, haven’t heard from you for a while, what are you up to?
I had a enjoyably warm week in France. I read, ate, drank lovely wines and generally relaxed. Just what I needed. It was strange coming back to an empty house but I have kept myself busy with my usual pilates, yoga etc. I also have been in touch with the undertaker who dealt with Bill’s funeral regarding his ashes. I feel it is now time to scatter them in the two places he wished. Until now the finality of the situation was just too much but my head is in a slightly better place now so the time has come. My daughter agrees with me so plans are in place.
Polpatt , I was born and brought up in North Lincolnshire leaving when I was 18. I always told Bill that you can take the girl out of Lincolnshire but never Lincolnshire out of the girl! In my heart I always wanted to return but now in my head know it would be silly as all my friends are up here in Cumbria.
I know how you feel about letting things go. It upset me to change the car but as I hate driving I needed a small car and now love my little Citroën. I do still have Bill’s golf clubs standing guard in the garage. My son in law uses them when he visits. Bill would be happy with that.
You must both treat yourselves at Christmas even if it is small and silly. Surround yourselves with people who understand how much you miss your husbands. I spent my first with my daughter and her family plus her in laws. There was tears at times but we remembered Bill and my son in law made a lovely toast to him.
Nice to hear from you Mazl glad you had a nice holiday, sounds very relaxing. Roger are I loved going to Keswick in Cumbria on walking holidays. We fought our way up many a fell including most of the big ones. I hate heights but Roger took me up vertical scree hills absolutely terified me. Many a times I used to say ‘if only my mum could see me now, she would have kittens’, but loved the scenery and also loved the holidays. We did the coast to coast from cumbria accross country, loved it.
Nice to hear you are in a better place now, like all our hubbies, they wouldn’t want us to be sad, they would want us to enjoy life and hard as it is Roger I know would want me to be happy.
I find it quite amusing thinking what would Roger buy me for Christmas, he wouldnt mind me using his flexible friend, I will give it a lot of thought and keep it as something special, maybe a piece of jewellery. What about you girls are you going to treat yourselves?
I have two sisters and one has already invited me for christmas and as there will be children there I might accept.
Hello Mazl and Carol50 it is good to hear from you both. I have had a bad day today, feel so sad and upset. Had a pretty good weekend too, a harvest supper and quiz in the local pub with family and friends on Saturday which was a good laugh. Whether Infeel guiltybat enjoying myself I don’t know, but this morning taking Lottie for a walk in the beautiful,Autumn sunshine, the tears came and I’ve been emotional ever since. I really thought I had turned a corner, but it doesn’t feel like it today, I just feel wretched. I miss my Philip so much it’s a physical pain, I’m sure you both know what that feels like. I will bounce back, I’m sure and I will contribute to the discussion when I’m feeling more cheerful. Love to you both xx
Oh palpatt I feel for you and yes we do understand. It is good to cry as it releases all those bad feelings. I had 2 days last week when I felt so bad I could not talk without tears rolling down my face. I hope you feel better tomorrow. Don’t feel bad about a good cry, give Lottie a nice hug I am sending a wraparound hug to you. Lots of love Carol x
What is it about anniversaries? It’s one year today that my lovely Philip and Inwentbto What is it about anniversaries? It’s a year today that Philip and I went to see our two week old puppy, Lottie for the first time. Such a happy day looking forward to long walks together, and visits to the beach. Sadly it wasn’t to be. We collected her on 17th December, and by the time her injections were all done and she was able to be taken out, my lovely man wasn’t well enough to walk with us. Such a lot has happened in such a short time. Feeling sad
What is it about anniversaries? It’s a year today that Philip and I went to see our two week old puppy, Lottie for the first time. Such a happy day looking forward to long walks together, and visits to the beach. Sadly it wasn’t to be. We collected her on 17th December, and by the time her injections were all done and she was able to be taken out, my lovely man wasn’t well enough to walk with us. Such a lot has happened in such a short time. Feeling sad
I’m sorry to read how sad you are feeling Polpatt. Anniversaries and special days can really heighten our emotions particularly when they highlight something you are not sharing together as you planned.
Hello Polpatt. Anniversaries are times when I keep myself extra busy. On Bill’s birthday last year I had a chatty lunch with a friend as my daughter and family were away. This year I am spending it with them at their home. On wedding anniversaries I make sure I am lunching with someone, similarly on my birthday. I am hoping that as time passes these dates will get easier but at least we know when they are coming and can plan ahead and they will become times to cherish happy memories. Take care, treat yourself kindly and remember happy times.xx
Hi Girls, I had a wobble of a day yesterday, I had a day when I was making wrong decisions and ended up paying unnecessary money every month on a year contract that I agreed, I made such a mess of it all. All I kept thinking was Roger used to sort all this out and I can’t do this… it made me feel so useless, as I have lost my rock and support.
The tears are always just underneath the surface and can’t control them when I think he is not here anymore, I’m sure all of you here know what I am talking about. Nobody would really understand until you loose you husband. Everyone thinks I am fine and I don’t want to go into saying ‘no, actually I’m not fine I feel so depressed and sad’ but you just have to put on a brave face. sorry to ramble but feel really down today. Think I need chocolate…
I am sorry to read that yesterday was a wobbly day. I am no expert regarding money and contracts but I was wondering if you only signed yesterday is there a 14-day cooling off period? Please check your contract and maybe seek advice from the Money Advice Service , you can read more here if you want to: https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/consumer-rights-what-you-need-to-know.
We very much hope that this space is one where you don’t feel you must put on your brave face but that you can share your genuine thoughts and feelings. If you ever need to talk our Support Line can provide you with a friendly, supportive listening ear. Take care.
Hello Girls, it’s always comforting to hear from you. I do try o keep busy particularly on Anniversary days, and It works, but at some stage you are on your own with your thoughts. Today was difficult, I had the funeral of my cousin, whom I had been helping to look after while she was at home. She had no family to speak of except a nephew who lived 150 miles away, but he was very close to his aunt, and visited her at least a couple of times a week. She must have been so lonely living on her own, so I thank God for my wonderful family who help me so much. It was hard to have another funeral so soon after Philips but that’s life’s cycle I suppose. I hope you are over your wobble Carol, they do creep up on you don’t they. I know what you mean about having to take over tasks that were always done for us, it’s hard. I have always handled matters financial, so that wasn’t too much of a hassle, but it’s the practical things that Imfind hard, silly things like changing those fiddly little bulb things in cabinet lights, cleaning my own boots and shoes, painting the outside sheds, garden furniture etc. And many more things that Philip did around the house and garden. I’m getting there slowly, but I’ve got Christmas, swiftly followed by my birthday to come, come, which reminds me, who will put up the Christmas tree? Love and mutual support my friends, Pauline xx
Hi Girls, thankyou for your comment Brigette but I signed a phone contract a month ago so too late to cancel I’ve already tried but only found out Thursday that I could have got it free through sky so a big lesson learnt. Roger always did paperwork and phone calls to firms and I am finding it so hard having to do it all myself. Another thing that is upsetting me is that I know my brother in law who is quite close promised Roger he would look after me but I feel I am having to just get on with it with no help from him or my son who is always so busy. Sorry just having a rant as I just don’t want to do this anymore. It’s funny palpatt, I find it really easy doing all the practical things like painting a fence and light bulbs it’s a shame we don’t live nearer each other, by the way i love dressing xmas trees. Sorry to hear about your cousin and funeral I had to go to one a week after Rogers and all I kept thinking about was Rogers.
I do hope things get easier soon I think the only reason I’m still hear is my sons wedding in Oz in jan sometimes I feel like just walking away from it all. I think I should throw myself into a task like shoebox appeal or poppy day maybe, helping others less fortunate may help.
Hi. It sounds as if you have both hit the barrier after the adrenalin has disipated. I know I did. After a year faced with renewing everything such as BT, car insurance etc., everything that Bill did. It is not easy but I found that if I explained my situation most people were very helpful. It is not easy by any means and I still have times when I feel like walking away but the thought of my little granddaughter keeps me going. She still asks me when grandpa is coming back. I have found the book ‘Self care in the real world’ very helpful and read it regularly. Anything that concentrates the mind. Pauline, last Christmas I only put up minimal decorations. Enough to look vaguely festive but that was all. Don’t bother with the full shebang just do what you want to do. Make sure you treat yourself kindly with a few treats. Love, Marilyn xx
I know we shouldn’t advertise and I have no connection to the authors but it did and does help me a lot. It is by Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips. I read a little every night and it had helped me through some bad times. I hope you like it, Carol. I find yoga helpful as well both physically and mentally. Xx
We have all been silent for a while and I was wondering how you were. Another Christmas and birthday have passed and I still miss my lovely Bill. I know I always will but now I am remembering good times rather than bad. My daughter and family moved back up her in January so life has been a bit hectic as they stayed with me in various permutations for a month which had my head spinning!! They are now in their own house so things have calmed down! I will look after my little granddaughter one day a week until she starts school in September. I’m looking forward to the better weather when we can get in to the garden together. The sadness of the situation is that Bill would have loved having them close. The little one still tells me she misses grandpa but has accepted that he will not be coming back.
I hope you are beginning to find your feet, it is so difficult getting to grips with all the annual admin on top of the emotions that keep rearing their ugly heads. I feel that I have sorted everything then have to start all over again. Just life I suppose.
Hi Marilyn, nice to hear from you again. Well, I survived my first Christmas, my birthday and New Year, in fact, it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. I had a bit of a wobble when I was putting up and decorating the trees, as assembling them was Philip’s job and I got the stands round my neck, not literally, but you know whatbI mean! I didn’t know whether to do all the trees this time, but as The whole family was coming for Boxing Day lunch as always, thought I would. Christmas Day I took my little dog, Lottie for a long walk first thing, then Inwent to my younger son and his family for Christmas dinner. It’s difficult to be miserable with lots of excited little great grandchildren running around. SonI had a happy day really. Also on Boxing Day, I managed roast lunch for 16, but had a lot of welcome help. On my birthday I had a constant stream of visitors, and I went out for supper, so that too passed happily. I am finding this time more difficult, as it was Late January last year that Phil started to become unwell, and I am reliving the anniversaries of all the scans, blood tests and hospital visits. I think these next weeks will continue to haunt me, and it’s so hard to feel positive when I keep thinking of his last few weeks. I seem to have shaken off those awful bouts of weeping that assailed me early on, but now, in my worst moments, it’s just a heavy, empty bleakness. Most of the time I’m fine, and am getting used to living on my own, infact mostly I’m content. I still miss my Philip like crazy. Hope I haven’t depressed you, but I know you will appreciate these feeling, having been through it yourself. Take care, my friend, and keep in touch. Xx
Nice to hear from you both again and that you both got through Christmas/new year/birthdays ok. Like you both I had a lot of family round me which helped a lot but it’s when I came home on my own that I just sobbed for 3 hours and felt desperately sad at one in the morning but I think you get used to the fact that we will have these wobbles and we will be ok again the next day, which is what happened.
I went to Australia after boxing day for my sons wedding so it was a bit bitter sweet as Roger wasn’t there but everyone kept mentioning him and I felt he was there with us. I really felt it being on my own and seeing lots of couples about though. It was a lovely holiday and the wedding could not have gone better, back to reality now though.
I have made some lovely friends, from both the hospice and my neighbours and I’m making myself join groups, so a choir (even though I cant sing, but its as a group), line dancing and I’ve just booked a last minute holiday with a friend for a few days,(she lost her husband last year too) so we will see if its goes well and if so we can book something bigger in the summer.
I really miss the time spent on holidays and sharing our time together, but I know we have to move on and build a new life, it just doesn’t seem the same.
I’m doing ok but like yourselves all the time everything is ok you can cope but as soon as something happens, it seems a big deal, I know we are all in the same situation and you’ll understand, I know what you mean about admin, it took me 6 months to get to grips with it all, but need to write reminders down for this year now, hope it gets easier soon.
lots of hugs, take care and keep in touch, it’s nice to share.