My partner went into hospital in April with suspected pneumonia and within 21 days was at our local hospice diagnosed with terminal cancer (melanoma) in four locations in the body, he spent 3 weeks in the hospice before being stabilised and is now how with myself and our three children (10, 11 and 13) with his eldest daughter and grandson visiting along with family when they can.
I am caring for my partner along with trying to come to terms with all of this for him, for me and all the children at the same time as trying as looking after the children and myself, running our home and trying to decide what to do with our business.
I am totally overwhelmed by all of it and am certainly running on auto pilot and adrenaline.
We have been told that while my partner is able to amongst his medications and tiredness that if there is anything we want to do, do it sooner than later when he is able too.
Where do you even start with what you had planned and wanted to do as the children grew up and we grew old disgracefully together…
I want to wake up from a bad dream and that is not going to happen.
I’ve just joined, as my wife has terminal cancer. Keep strong, don’t blame yourself and try to be emotionally detached. I wish I could help.
WGCman sorry to hear about your wife, thank you for replying, it’s hard to stay detached with him being at home with us currently and three young children asking dad to do things that he is no longer able to do that he used to do.
He asks why me and I can’t answer that other than to say they take the best ones first which is something our youngest came out with the other day. It is so hard. I hope you are looking after yourself and staying strong.
If you haven’t told the children he is dying (let’s call a spade a spade, that’s what terminal illness is), should you now do so? I’m not saying it’s a good idea, I’m saying it might be a good idea, so think about it. We are all brought up (as much by our peers as our parents) to believe that life should be “fair”. As we get older we learn that it’s anything but fair, and it can be a very hard lesson to learn. Perhaps your children are learning now, and, worse, blaming themselves for what is happening - illogically blaming, of course, but logic is never plentiful in these situations. We live in a world where there is a culture of blame - and the media always seem more concerned with pointing a finger than finding solutions. Cancer is a terrorist. It has no respect for age or lifestyle but attacks at random. It’s like being in the wrong place at the wrong time and blame doesn’t enter into it.
My wife and I are retired, and I am coping at present with her care. I don’t think I could manage if I had three children to think of, too, as you have. Is it possible to get the children to help? (Here again, I’m just suggesting; it might work in some cases but not yours or might be a lousy idea anyway.) You’re all in it together, and doing something positive might focus their minds differently. As a parent and grandparent, I know how difficult it is to accept that our sprogs grow up. Yours are approaching adulthood (although there is some way yet to go), and if you take them into your confidence, share your feelings (to some extent), and discuss with them what the four of you can do “as a team”, you might be pleasantly surprised. However you know yourself and your children better than I do, so trust your own judgment on this!
My wife was fit and healthy until in April a severe pain and fainting made me call an ambulance. The following day she had a major operation and we were told that she had cancer which had spread. This week they confirmed our worse fears that it is terminal, but it has not yet fully sunk in to me. It seems possible that you are well and truly in shock, and if you have the time and haven’t done so already, a trip to your GP to discuss yourself could help. There may not be anything practical, but even a chat should help and will do no harm.
Whatever, I wish you well.
I have told the children, I sat with all three of them on my own, two days after we were told it was terminal and time and explained to them, they know it’s cancer (not the actual type as they google everything and it may not be such a good idea for them to be reading right into that at the moment) and they know Dad is going to die and that we need to make the most of the time we have with him and we need to do special things now and not wait for another day so that we can all build special memories to take forward (I was advised not to give them the timeline i had been given as they would be day and week and calendar watching which would be harder for them). We are building a memory jar that we are asking everyone that knows us before and after the children that if they have any happy or funny or odd memories that we can add to the jar to let us have them so that on down days we can dig into it and talk about things that have been done and said over the years.
We had no knowledge before him going into hospital that he had cancer so like yourselves it was a total shock.
The children are helping where they can and I answer question truthfully maybe sometimes with slightly different wording that you would with an adult.
Our oldest son says that cancer takes no prisioners and hes right, they all question at times why dad, it is hard and we are working to build a stronger bond to support each other going forwards.
We have no idea how long we have with left with him, part of his cancer is in his brain, hence doing things sooner than later.
The local hospice have been amazing at supporting us so far and we have had some lovely ladies and gentlemen helping with him at home along with marie curie nurses too. He spent three weeks in hospital, followed by 3 weeks in the hospice before we could bring him home. The local gp’s have been out to see him and I have access to them as well as a couple of key people that I can speak to.
Like yourselves we always tell it as it is where we can.
Do you have support for yourselve and your wife.
My wife has been given a timeline of 3-6 months which could be extended by up to 2 years more if she responds to the chemotherapy which she is about to start. She has recovered well from the major operation to remove the primary bowel cancer, and is not yet suffering from the secondary tumours which will slowly kill her. As yet the prognosis seems unreal so we don’t perceive a need for support. 40 years ago I lost my 6-year old son (by my first wife) to asthma, and looking back, can’t understand how I survived. But survive I did, and it remains to be seen whether that awful experience has toughened me up for what is to come, or whether the impending tragedy will bring terrible memories rushing back, It is different for my wife - “Why me” she says, rather like your children. Don’t try to answer - there are no answers!
You seem to be doing all the right things - and you are absolutely right not to give the children a timeline which is probably only a guess anyway - and I am not sure I can help. If it helps you to post to the forum I can “listen” and respond, but tell me if I am intruding into your grief.
Definitely not intruding. The why dad from the children, I don’t try and answer, youngest asked again this morning, why dad mum, why now - answered with I don’t know sweet I feel the same and I know if we could both change it for dad we would but we can’t do we have to be there for dad and each other, bless him Are you coping ok
I think that the "Why?"s from your children must be the most difficult aspect of handling your grief. I didn’t have this before and won’t now. “I don’t know… life is unfair” is the best anyone can do.
Thank you for replying it’s been a roller coaster of a ride. My fiance decided he wanted to get married and get our youngest christened before anything happened - our amazing village, community, friends and family rallied together and sorted the wedding and christening of my fiance’s dreams, we officially married 5 days before a full White church blessing and christening we did the vows early to take the pressure of him on the day. We were married for just two weeks when he passed away in my arms at our local amazing hospice with our children and family nearby. Diagnosed with no prior knowledge 13.04, told terminal and time 27.04, married 23/29.07 battle lost 08.08 - I’ve lost my husband, soul mate, best friend and the most amazing father and grandad - gutted - understatement - still reeling yes - celebration of life/funeral took place 2 days ago - he wanted a happy colourful funeral with a celebration/party afterwards - so that is what I did. Two amazing days in such a short space of time, never been to a wedding or funeral like it and probably never will again - we have all lost an amazing man . Apologies for not replying to sooner things just took over - if you have things you think you want to do, do them sooner than later and live for everyday. So much love around us, myself and the children will take comfort in the many memories that we have made and we have been helped to make in such a short space of time. Best wishes and good luck xxxx
I am very sorry about your news, which started excellent but was finally devastating. I picked it up in August and decided to reply when I could give the matter some thought rather than quickly. A lot has happened to my wife and me in the four months since I last contributed to the forum. It was very thoughtful of your partner to get married. Although most of your happy memories predated the wedding it is a moment you will especially treasure for the rest of your life, as will your children. I would like to think that he died happier knowing the pleasure that his decision gave all four of you.
It has been said that grief for the loss of someone close lasts two years, and when my son died 40 years ago, I found that it was indeed after two years that I could go several hours without thinking about him, although I then often felt guilty that I had temporarily forgotten. I still cry sometimes. It is unusual to lose a child, though equally usual to lose a parent at some stage, which means that, hopefully, your children will recover from the loss quicker than you. You cannot avoid grieving, and you may still be at the stage where you don’t even want to avoid it. But at the same time you will be focussing on the needs of the children and, though you must grieve, it might help to remind yourself from time to time that your husband would also want your children’s needs to come first.
I don’t expect your grief is any less because your husband is no longer suffering from a horrible disease, or because you had a few months to prepare for the shock. I may find out soon. I have mentioned my/mywife’s situation briefly to you and posted a fuller account separately on the forum. As I have said there, friends sometimes find these situations difficult to handle, and I am surprised that I have managed three paragraphs to you. I do sincerely hope you are beginning to recover and coping in this difficult time.
Hello
I’ve read your reply several time over before responding.
The children are doing as well as can be expected, all were unsettled last night as today it will be three months since we lost Chris, I didn’t sleep last night so will try and get my head down for an hour today to make it through today.
I lost my sister 17 years ago and Dad 14 years ago and helped my Mum through that, it has taken her a lot of time to start seeing the otherside of things.
The memories yes most as you rightly say predate the wedding, he was just so determined that we were going to get married and it is something that the children have been asking for for the past 5 years at least, so for them it was amazing even if shortlived, my daughter and step daughter were our bridesmaids, our youngest son was best man and our eldest son walked we down the aisle, he was also pall bearer for his dad.
Chris smiled all day from the time we helped him get ready to the time he went to bed he did not stop, he amazed everyone there at the stamina he had on that day, he left home at 1.30pm and came back home at 1.30am, none of us can understand how he did it. He managed to stand to greet me at the end of the aisle, to cut the cake and had a very short first dance with me, truly amazing man.
It is hard and I have days were I look at the magnitude of things around me with the three children, home and work and just think how, how am I going to do this, but I am just taking one day at a time and one hurdle at a time, which those hurdles have included my car being written off, a broken toilet and a washing that gave in. In the normal way these would just be everyday things but seemed like monumental tasks but I got there sorted them all on my own, all firsts, along with halloween and bonfire night Chris was the biggest kid in the home so it was hard but party like he would have we did on both, broke me inside but the children loved it as did friends and family.
I’m seeing a lovely lady from the hospice every couple of weeks and the children are seeing a lady from FIG, we have Chris’s ashes back with the undertaker and as a family ar deciding what to do with them, I have taken a small amount out to have them made into a glass pendant for myself in our favourite colour so he can always be with me while I’m wearing that necklace as well as always being in our hearts and I’m wearing his wedding ring next to mine.
We are having a tree planted in the village and part of his ashes are going to go under the tree at the childrens request to help it grow and the rest of the ashes we are going to scatter as Chris requested, he did say just put part of me here decide betweeen where you want the rest of me.
I am trying very hard to stay focused and positive and keep some structure for the children and have agreed with them that if there are places we want to see or go to and we can then we will, if we want to try something and we can and it’s save we will.
We were given several items for the wedding that all had three words on them Live Laugh Love and this is what I am aiming to do for me and for them.
Thank you so much for replying, I haven’t been on here much since we lost Chris so haven’t read your full post, I will find it and have a read.
If you want to chat I’m about, I pick up the messages via email alert.
Take care and best wishes to you
Penny
[quote]I’ve just joined, as my wife has terminal cancer. Keep strong, don’t blame yourself and try to be emotionally detached. I wish I could help.[/quote] I’m jointly caring for my mum, with my brother… I’ve become emotionally detached and it works for me… I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do for mum if I got upset all the time …this is about her not me, time for tears later eh?
Sorry if that seems a bit harsh, it’s not intended to be… we have to be strong because if we fall, who else is there? 
What a lovely reply, my heart and thoughts are with you all …one day at a time xxx
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I’m now partly emotionally engaged, and was not really prepared for the shock when it happened, though we knew it was coming. My wife left this world in January and was better prepared than I was, having specified all the music and poetry for her funeral, which was in February. For her funeral she chose the anonymous poem Afterglow:
I’d like the memory of me
to be a happy one.
I’d like to leave an afterglow
of smiles when life is done.
I’d like to leave an echo,
whispering softly down the ways,
of happy times and laughing times
and bright and sunny days.
I’d like the tears of those who grieve
to dry before the sun
of happy memories
that I leave when life is done.
But it’s hard. I have tearful moments, but am keeping busy to avoid grieving. The Hospice offered me counselling but I only saw the lady once - I don’t think I’m ready yet. All I can do is get on with my life alone, taking each day as it comes. But I look at the photos of us together, to remember the happy times.
Hi
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and hope you are managing to deal with each day one at a time.
They will never be forgotten and in time we will be able to adjust to the new lives we have without them even though it is not what we had planned or hoped for.
The hospice councillors have been a huge help to myself and the children and the children are about to start their FIG/TIG course next week.
I’m coping with things slightly better now than I was but we are hitting on all the key dates from when my husbands very short battle started which are more significant for me than the children as the early dates they only knew dad was ill in hospital as we had no outcome or proper diagnosis to give them ( that all starts end of next week they day after what would have been his birthday ).
I hope you have plenty of support around you and your family.
I with two other widows here have set up a local widows support group which initially started with four of us and we now have 41 members of all ages with and without children for our small area.
x