Losing somebody close to a terminal illness affects everyone differently and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. So in this Q&A we hope we’ll be able to answer your questions about what you’re experiencing and offer some practical solutions to help.
Our host Jane Murray will be answering your questions tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday (24th,25th and 26th of March) between 3-4pm each day. You can start posting them now and she’ll start answering them tomorrow when she’s online. Just scroll down to read her answers.
| [img]http://i.imgur.com/GrdteBS.jpg?1[/img] | "I really enjoy my role as it's varied and I can see the positive difference it makes, by enabling someone to build resilience and coping skills in the wake of loss." |
Jane has worked for Marie Curie for 24 years and heads up the adult bereavement & counselling service in our West Midlands hospice as part of the patient & family support team.
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Hi, I lost my Dad in September. He was diagnosed February last year. The night he passed away my Mum was in shock so I tried my best to look after her. I didn’t want to cry in front of her as I didn’t want her to worry about me. I took a few days off work but went in for a couple of days before his funeral. I did a reading at his funeral and naturally I cried. But my grief keeps coming and going. I don’t know if it was down to me bottling it up. I suffer from occasional nightmares and flash backs where I can see and hear everything in his final days. I worry if I was right to ask for him to be completely sedated as he started to haemorrhage . I know there’s no set time for grief or answer to what is right for 1 person. I know life goes on but it feels surreal that he has gone. I try and stay strong as I have a 6 year old so force myself to get on with it but sometimes I feel like either hiding in bed all day or running away. I have asked for counselling (I wasn’t allowed to be referred for bereavement counselling until 3 months after) I am still on a waiting list which is 22 weeks long. I can’t afford to go privately, the hospice my Dad was in is too far away and by my Mum’s. I also wouldn’t want my mum knowing that I was having counselling. I hope this all makes sense? Thanks Babs35.
[quote]Question from Babs35: Hi, I lost my Dad in September. He was diagnosed February last year. The night he passed away my Mum was in shock so I tried my best to look after her. I didn’t want to cry in front of her as I didn’t want her to worry about me. I took a few days off work but went in for a couple of days before his funeral. I did a reading at his funeral and naturally I cried. But my grief keeps coming and going. I don’t know if it was down to me bottling it up. I suffer from occasional nightmares and flash backs where I can see and hear everything in his final days. I worry if I was right to ask for him to be completely sedated as he started to haemorrhage . I know there’s no set time for grief or answer to what is right for 1 person. I know life goes on but it feels surreal that he has gone. I try and stay strong as I have a 6 year old so force myself to get on with it but sometimes I feel like either hiding in bed all day or running away. I have asked for counselling (I wasn’t allowed to be referred for bereavement counselling until 3 months after) I am still on a waiting list which is 22 weeks long. I can’t afford to go privately, the hospice my Dad was in is too far away and by my Mum’s. I also wouldn’t want my mum knowing that I was having counselling. I hope this all makes sense? Thanks Babs35. [/quote]
Hello Babs
I’m sorry to hear of the loss your dad & I can tell from reading your post how emotional the whole experience has been & still is for you. As you realise grief is individual, there is no time frame for how long you grieve or how you grieve. You describe initially how important it was [& still is] for you to hide your own emotions from mum- to protect her- which is very natural to do. It is normal to put on ‘a mask’ to the outside world function as if you are coping well - which enables you to function on a practical level i.e. look after your 6 year old; go to work etc…, but underneath ‘the mask’ hides your emotional vulnerability- which I am pleased to hear you will be in the future able to access counselling to talk through your emotions.
It is very normal to have flashbacks/nightmares, which can be very vivid when they occur & can appear out of the blue, and is your unconscious mind working to make sense of what happened. In time these will fade. You were witness to an awful experience of dad haemorrhaging. it is normal to relive experiences now, and question if the decisions you made were the right ones. In this situation- although you asked for dad to be sedated- the professionals would have done this, for dad’s comfort, not just because you asked. Whilst your waiting to access counselling support, it might be helpful when these happen to write down in a journal what you experience & how they make you feel.
Grief is not static or linear, as you yourself are experiencing- it ebbs & flows. You can expect to have bad days when you want to hide in bed & not feel the emotional pain and not so bad days, in time the bad days will lesson. The struggle for you right now is learning to live this very different life without dad physically being here- he will always live on in your heart & your memory’s of him.
Thank you for getting in touch at this very difficult time and I hope knowing that what you are feeling- as painful as it is, is normal and you are not going mad! helps.
Jane Murray
Marie Curie Cancer Care
Hello my father has recently passed away and now we’re faced with having to plan his funeral. I’ve not had to organise a funeral before and didn’t realise the just how much they cost, is there any help out there for people who are struggling? Thanks Angela.
[quote]Question from Angela: Hello my father has recently passed away and now we’re faced with having to plan his funeral. I’ve not had to organise a funeral before and didn’t realise the just how much they cost, is there any help out there for people who are struggling? Thanks Angela.[/quote]
Hello Angela
Thank you for getting in touch, & condolences on the loss of your father. This is a difficult time emotionally I am sure, and with the added stress of having to not only organise a funeral, managing its cost can increase your anxiety.
The funeral Directors you choose, will guide you through every aspect of organising the funeral & will provide costing’s for everything. You will find the below link contains further information that may prove useful:
https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/bereaved-family-friends/organising-funeral/funeral-payments
I hope you find this helpful
Jane Murray
Marie Curie Cancer Care
Lost my mum yesterday. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in feb. 4 weeks ago. We were all with her during her final breaths. Felt prepared but it’s her final few breaths I just can’t forget. I remember every detail. Her what I thought was her last then when I held her face anotger short and quick breath. I just want to know she’s safe and ok. That’s all. Have lots of family support from my fiancée’s family. My brother too. He’s dealing with all the legal stuff. My little boy seems to be ok. I feel so weak and scared how I should feel and the future. I promised my mum is never give up and I won’t. I just want to know she’s ok. How do I know? When will I know she is ok? Aw mum I love you so much
[quote]Question from Beinghere: Lost my mum yesterday. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in feb. 4 weeks ago. We were all with her during her final breaths. Felt prepared but it’s her final few breaths I just can’t forget. I remember every detail. Her what I thought was her last then when I held her face anotger short and quick breath. I just want to know she’s safe and ok. That’s all. Have lots of family support from my fiancée’s family. My brother too. He’s dealing with all the legal stuff. My little boy seems to be ok. I feel so weak and scared how I should feel and the future. I promised my mum is never give up and I won’t. I just want to know she’s ok. How do I know? When will I know she is ok? Aw mum I love you so much[/quote]
Hello I can feel your pain coming through in your words at the loss of your mum yesterday. I would imagine you are still in shock from the diagnosis and the whirlwind of the following weeks.
It is natural that you are feeling so raw & vulnerable right now- you may find this feeling continues for some time to come, having better days and not so good days.
You were with her for her last moments of life, it is normal for those images to remain with you- sometimes quite vividly- for some time, it is your minds way of making sense of what happened. In time those vivid images will fade, and be replaced by images and memories of the well & happy mum.
You ask if your mum is safe & okay and of course you need to know that and feel it. What you do know is that mum is now no longer ill & suffering. She is now and always safe in your heart and your memory, you will continue to love and cherish her always.
There is no right or wrong way to feel right now- do not deny how you feel or try to hide it. It is okay to cry!
I’m please to know you have a good support network around, you might wish to consider accessing bereavement support for yourself either now or in the future, in can often be helpful to talk to some one outside of the family, to help you through the grieving process.
Condolences to you and your family
Jane Murray
Marie Curie Cancer Care
I’m very sorry for your loss Beinghere. Let me just back up Jane’s suggestion of making sure you reach out to the bereavement support that’s available by pointing you to our help pages on getting support which list a number of organisations that can help you.
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Jane’s had to finish up a little early so that’s all the questions that we have time for today. Thank you to Jane and everyone who asked her questions.
We’ll be doing another Q&A session on “Coping with spiritual and emotional pain” here in two weeks time (on the 7-9th of April). You can follow our Facebook page or Twitter account for a reminder of when that’ll be on.
[img]Imgur: The magic of the Internet
If you’ve got any other questions please start a new topic and our community will be happy to share their experiences with you.
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Its been just over 3 weeks since mum passed away. We were so close, she was my best friend. I lived with her for the last 4 years. I think of her and miss her everyday. It hasn’t been a good weekend. I try to keep busy but it is when i stop it hits me. Feeling si sad and low today i miss her so much. It makes it worse as i live on my own now and do not have many friends. Weekends always seem worse. Miss eating sunday dinner with mum. I cant see me getting over mum to be honest. I know they say time is a great healer and i hope it is, its just i miss her so much.
hi everyone just wanted to tell my story about me losing my grandad at the start of 2014 he was diagnosed with lung cancer I didn’t know this at the time he never told me he just said that he had a bad cough and feeling bit cold etc. I went away on holiday last year June 2014 to go visit my nan in Cornwall I went for a week I was very happy at the time excited to be seeing my nan because I only get to see her once a year if that. after I come back from my hols and was so happy at the time I then not long after found out from my dad over the phone that my grandad had cancer my first reaction was your joking arnt you my dad said don’t be silly he went no im not joking at all from then on my life went down after that and since then has ever since ive been to 2 or 3 counselling sessions but nothing has worked as had to wait and wait long periods of time to see someone months at a time. I suffer with mild depression and I struggle everyday to keep motivated and not get down but it is so difficult and any slight stress brings me down so low and its destroying everything in my life I want to get better and im about to have a counselling meeting this week ive waited a very long time for this and hope just hope I can and will get better because I want to I want change. I miss my grandad everyday and will always even tho its been over 5months since he passed away as he lost his battle on January the 9th 2015 I had to watch him dying in hospital which completely broke me to bits to see I still struggle to pull myself together and I feel like im on my own with all of this my partner don’t understand he knows I feel down but tells me to just get on with it which don’t make me feel any better as im still grieving my grandad was like a dad to me and now hes gone I have a hole in my heart as I don’t really get on with my real dad.
Hi Abbeycarlyrae,
I’m not sure that I can help - I hope the counselling does [but I’ve never had counselling].
I became depressed for a couple of years, about mid 2009 - mid 2011, and I can understand the ‘I can’t get motivated’ point you mentioned: ‘can’t be bothered’ was my feeling about almost everything when I was depressed, something which presumably arose because I lost the ability to ‘enjoy anything’ (either at the time, or ‘in anticipation’).
I can also say - because you said your partner didn’t understand - that I used to have an aunt who suffered from depression. At the time, I couldn’t understand it all - now that I’ve suffered from depression myself, I ‘do understand it’ (although I definitely would not recommend that anyone 'should become depressed in order to understand depression !).
I hope your depression ‘lifts’ faster than mine did, and I hope your partner understands that ‘just snap out of it’ isn’t all that helpful,
Best wishes, Mike
