What's normal and what's to be worried about

Joweb 9 years ago

2 replies

I lost my dad 2 months ago after a very difficult battle with cancer. He had opted for end of life at home and we as a family were all happy to accommodate this but naturally it out a lot of pressure on us, especially mum. I'm worried about my mum though because she is going backwards. Initially his passing was a relief and we were all around all the time but one of my sisters lives oversea and has rightly returned home and I've had to refocus on my own children. My other sister lives just down the road from mum though so is there all the time helping out. My concern is that this is not allowing mum to get on and start taking the steps she needs to in order to regain her independence. My sister thinks it's unreasonable to expect mum to have an evening alone and so we argue over the rights and wrongs of the amount she does for mum and that she expects me to do the same. Mum is drinking every night and in effect stopping friends coming over or to take her out by making up excuses as to what she's busy with. I believe she has to take steps to reclaim her life and this can't be done by constant 24/7 support and we have to slowly leave her to do things for herself bit by bit now but I'm being made out to be the uncaring bitc*...

RowntreeRandom 9 years ago

I've had a similar experience with my mum. Her sister died a few weeks ago - it came as a bit of relief as we had all been caring for her for a while. They were both very close, so my mum is obviously a quite upset still. My brother lives the other side of London, so it's not easy for him to visit. The best thing we've found is for me to spend time with her, but out of the house. Going on walks, going into town together, shopping etc. Gradually it's been getting a little better. We talk about - I feel it's best to get everything out in the open. Hopefully this might help you

MarkWilkin 9 years ago

Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speeds so it's difficult to talk about what's normal. I'd certainly echo Rowntree Random and see if you can talk to your mum about how you feel and what your worries are.  

We've got some advice on adjusting to life after caring in our help pages, that could be useful to you and your mum. We've also run a few Q&A's on the community, on Coping with bereavement and Adjusting to life after caring that might be useful reading.

It might be useful to suggest to your mum some of the local support groups that you can find on our In Your Area page or from your local Cruse branch. As this might help her become a bit more mobile if she wanted to go talk to people who understand what she's going through.

Hope that helps