Q&A - Adjusting to life after caring

  • Community Manager - Posts: 120
    Edited by: MarkWilkin - 11/08/2015 15:15

    When your caring role ends it can be hard to adjust the changes in your life. It can be hard to stop and think about yourself and your needs again. Some people find once they're no longer caring that exhaustion, both physical and emotional, catches up with them. So we've put together this Q&A with one of our counsellors to try and help answer any questions you've got about how you're feeling or what to do now.


    Our host Jane Murray will be answering your questions on Wednesday 12th August between 12-1pm. You can start posting them now and she'll start answering them when she's online. Just scroll down to read her answers.


    "I really enjoy my role as it's varied and I can see the positive difference it makes, by enabling someone to build resilience and coping skills in the wake of loss."


    Jane has worked for Marie Curie for 24 years and heads up the adult bereavement & counselling service in our West Midlands hospice as part of the patient & family support team.


    Thanks

  • Posts: 1
    11/08/2015  11:09

    Hi my husband was 42 when diagnosed with Parkinsons,he took early retirement from the fire service and we came back to the Isle of Wight where my grown up family are as my carer role was at 24/7 all of a sudden without me realising it,we lived life at full pace ,packed in as much as we could before the Parkys really took a grip...he died suddenly last September at the age of 49 he had a DVT..we had an awful day the day before he had become all of a sudden doubly incontinent and I had to catherterise my darling man because we could not access any care so quickly..the District nurse did come out the next day was so fab with Trev...the following day we went thru morning meds and he wanted a shower,I always went up stairs behind him as he tended to stumble..we laughed at the day before both said"if we can cope with that,we can cope with anything" he fell backwards onto me...I pushed him so we both would not fal down the stairs and before he had reached the floor..he had gone..I did cpr whilst waiting for the ambulance guys who were fab came..but I saw the light going out of his cornflower blue's as I did cpr....I have wonderful family and as it would be his brill Mum& dad were down from Derbyshire on  a holiday to see us both...I know how grief feesl but I know now how it looks when his mum came in around the A/E curtains to see her son passed away..I had to make the call to switch of the machines you see....now although I didnt sleep at lot as Trev needed turning thru the night I dram that awful moment still a lot,,and find it hard to get past that bit of the stairs....although I do sit there and have a chat with him..grief is awful it trips you up and takes you back there is a split second...do it all again?in a heartbeat..x

  • 11/08/2015  14:20

    I lost my mum on 23 July 2015 after an eight year fight. I volunteer for Marie curie one and a half days a week but I want to do more. However I am a little lost as I have no routine any,ore and feel tired and can't seem to be able to do easy tasks or be bothered about the house. I find I am sleeping more than ever and I am leaning on my husband such a lot and I feel guilty. Is this normal 

  • Posts: 5
    Edited by: admin - 12/08/2015 11:41

    nin69: Hi my husband was 42 when diagnosed with Parkinsons,he took early retirement from the fire service and we came back to the Isle of Wight where my grown up family are as my carer role was at 24/7 all of a sudden without me realising it,we lived life at full pace ,packed in as much as we could before the Parkys really took a grip...he died suddenly last September at the age of 49 he had a DVT..we had an awful day the day before he had become all of a sudden doubly incontinent and I had to catherterise my darling man because we could not access any care so quickly..the District nurse did come out the next day was so fab with Trev...the following day we went thru morning meds and he wanted a shower,I always went up stairs behind him as he tended to stumble..we laughed at the day before both said"if we can cope with that,we can cope with anything" he fell backwards onto me...I pushed him so we both would not fal down the stairs and before he had reached the floor..he had gone..I did cpr whilst waiting for the ambulance guys who were fab came..but I saw the light going out of his cornflower blue's as I did cpr....I have wonderful family and as it would be his brill Mum& dad were down from Derbyshire on  a holiday to see us both...I know how grief feesl but I know now how it looks when his mum came in around the A/E curtains to see her son passed away..I had to make the call to switch of the machines you see....now although I didnt sleep at lot as Trev needed turning thru the night I dram that awful moment still a lot,,and find it hard to get past that bit of the stairs....although I do sit there and have a chat with him..grief is awful it trips you up and takes you back there is a split second...do it all again?in a heartbeat..x


    Hello nin69


    Thank you for your post, and condolences on your loss. It comes across in your post what a close loving relationship you both had, adapting together for a number of years to life with his Parkinson's disease which impacted your lives.


    His death as you describe was very sudden and unexpected, an awful situation where you performed CPR.  So normal and natural that you would be reliving those events so vividly, particularly as the first anniversary of his death approaches, which often awakens the vividness of the dying/death for many people- even in dreams.


    You mention that your sleeping pattern is still interrupted, again this is natural, you had a broken sleeping pattern for so many years caring for him, it will take some time to return to or develop a

    new pattern.


    It sounds like you have a supportive family around you which helps in this difficult time, you take time to still talk to him, which is healthy.


    As you are experiencing grief can be painful, exhausting and all consuming, creeping in when you least expect it to at times; all normal and natural experiences that are experienced when someone so significant in your life dies.

    I hope knowing you can contact support outside of your family, will be a help to you.

     

    kind regards


    Jane Murray

     

  • Posts: 5
    Edited by: admin - 12/08/2015 11:56

    Janeybobs911: I lost my mum on 23 July 2015 after an eight year fight. I volunteer for Marie curie one and a half days a week but I want to do more. However I am a little lost as I have no routine any,ore and feel tired and can't seem to be able to do easy tasks or be bothered about the house. I find I am sleeping more than ever and I am leaning on my husband such a lot and I feel guilty. Is this normal 

    hello Janeybobs911

     

    Thank you for your post, and condolences on the  loss of your mum.


    It is such early days yet, I am  sure even though mum had been ill for some time, that at the moment you may be feeling quite numb to all that  has happened. Having cared for mum for so long, you developed a routine that centred around her needs, which may have changed as her illness progressed.


    It is very normal and natural, that you feel 'lost', not only because of the impact of  her death, but life and routine has now changed completely. The struggle you are now experiencing is adapting to life without mum physically being here [she will always live on in your memories], and  learning to live this very different life without her.


    As you are experiencing -grief is emotionally and physically exhausting, loss of concentration and motivation is normal. Don't be too hard on yourself, take one day at a time, accept the support of those around you.


    Its good to read that you are already one of our valuable volunteers. Don't rush to do more than you already are for us. You need to take all the time you need  to grieve; then review your thoughts.


    I hope it has helped in some way to be able post your thoughts here.

     

    Kind regards

     

    Jane Murray

  • Community Manager - Posts: 120
    12/08/2015  13:22

    I'm afraid that's all the questions we can answer today, so thank you to Jane for all your help and thanks to everyone who shared their questions with us.


    Keep an eye on our Facebook and Twitter pages for future Q&A sessions on the community.


    Thanks

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