Struggling with grief

ScottishLass 2 years ago

3 replies

My mum died at the beginning of July after a long illness. Although we knew it would get to a point when she wouldn't recover, I wasn't ready for her to go. My siblings and I were with mum every day for her last 2 weeks, and were with her when she passed. The images I have in my head from the last couple of days in particular just won't go away and they're so upsetting. I'm back at work and trying to get on with day-to-day life, but sometimes I get very sad. My partner thinks that, as mum had been ill for a while and was very elderly (she was 91) I shouldn't be sad all the time as it was "a blessing" in the end. He says it's OK for me to miss my mum, but I should try to focus on happy memories and stop dwelling on her illness and how she was in her final days. But although I look at old photos and remember happy times, I can't stop thinking about mum at the end and that makes me so very sad. Surely after only a month, its OK to feel sad?

Brigette 2 years ago

Hi ScottishLass, 

I am very sorry to read about the recent death of your mum and to say yes of course it is ok to feel sad. Grief is a very personal experience and it is different for each and every one of us. There is no set time for it to be over, and no right or way wrong to feel or react. 

Many people tell us that in the early days of their grief the memories they have of people are the recent ones. The brain can take time to process these images and the feelings and emotions that come with them. For some people, talking about this experience or time can help them to start to process and deal with these memories. 

Many modern theories of grief talk about it coming in waves, where some moments we can be ok and then at other times we feel deeply sad and very raw. Being kind to yourself in these times will help.

Hopefully other community members will share their experiences with you. but in the mean time please do use this as a safe space to express your thoughts and feelings. We are here to listen and to provide you with a space to share.

Thinking of you

Brigette- Marie Curie Support Line Officer. 

Redrobin 2 years ago

Hi ScottishLass. It's totally fine to still feel sad. You may feel sad for a long time yet, who knows. Grief is a personal journey. It's hardly anytime at all since your mum passed. I too am left very upset, to the point I would say traumatised by the last few hours of my Mam's dying phase. And I struggle to think of happy memories as I am stuck on these images. I would say, be kind to yourself at this difficult time and just try to manage the day to days things as best you can. Take care.

David 2 years ago

Hi Redrobin, we’re sorry to hear about the loss of your mam and thank you for joining in with your compassionate, kind words of support. Grief is an individual experience, as you explained, and it’s normal to find those painful memories of what happened in your mam’s last few hours blocking out the happier ones.

While grief doesn’t always simply get easier, in time most people feel more able to recall the better memories. This can take some time and your suggestion of being kind to yourself and taking on e day at a time can be a helpful way of coping, especially if the grief and memories feel overwhelming.

You’re welcome to share more here on the Marie Curie Community and speak with our Support Line team if we can help.

Take care,

David - Support Line Officer