Not coping at all.

MissingDad 6 years ago

5 replies

Hi all.

I lost my dad in July, 11 days after getting married. He was too ill to attend. I now believe he held on for our wedding and then let go.

Dad was diagnosed after no luck with his GP despite his weight loss, marbling on his back and abdominal pain. It took a rheumatologist less than 2 minutes on a physical examination to find a lump and consequently arranged the scans and tests diagnosed my dad had Pancreatic cancer which had already spread to his Liver. He was given 2 months to live, he made one month. His death was painful and full of fear and frustration.

I don't live near my family and we've not been in touch much since dads funeral in August. My wife I feel just thinks I need to move on. I wish I could, but I can't. The occasions that im on my own I pretty much cry my eyes out. I just want to work to escape my feelings. Im so angry with the lack of care dad got, he was written off due to his age and cancer and I was told by medical professionals twice that its a surprise he was still alive on his diagnosis. 

My marriage is already rocky because she just resents the magic of the wedding was stolen from us. To be honest my dad was my concern. I dont ever see me getting over my dad. Its his birthday on Thursday he would of been 79. I have no one that I can talk to as my family all seem to be able to move on. 

MissYou 6 years ago

Hello

I understand how you are feeling, i lost my dad to cancer 3 months after giving birth to my first baby, those first 3 months i was trying my best to be a new parent while also witnessing my dear dad passing away. You cannot help feeling such sadness at times which should be the best of your life like weddings and births. It cannot be helped or controlled. I felt guilty for looking after my baby when he was in hospital and i would feel guilty for spending time with him in hospital and not with my baby. She is the only thing that i can think about 24/7 so that i do not think of everything that happened with dad and have to face it, its sll just been too much to cope with

Samantha 6 years ago

Edited by Samantha 6 years ago

Hello MissingDad,

I’m sorry to read about the loss of your dad so soon after getting married. It’s understandable to be feeling a mixture of emotions losing a loved one after such a big life event, which you feel is having an impact on your marriage. You tell us that you feel your wife thinks you need to move on, have you tried to talk with her about how you’re feeling? If you find it difficult to talk, you could try to write your feelings down.

It’s important to know that you don’t have to go through bereavement alone and people often tell us that talking can be beneficial. Some people say that it can be easier to do this with someone that they’re unfamiliar with, and our Support Line is here to listen if you need a safe space to share openly and honestly about how you’re feeling. You can reach us by calling Freephone 0800 090 2309.

You mention that you’re feeling angry with the lack of care and support that dad received. Whilst we’re unable to comment on the care and support provided by others, our Support Line is here if you ever need to talk about your experience. If you feel that you would like to progress things more formally, we have information about how you can do this on our website here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/terminal-illness/rights/complaint

It’s normal for grief to affect people in different ways, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We also feature information on our website about grieving in your own way which you may find helpful to read here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grieving-your-way

Special days such as birthdays can heighten our emotions and I’m aware that Cruse have an information page around this topic which you can take a look at: https://www.cruse.org.uk/about-grief/anniversaries . Hopefully others on the community will share with you their ways of coping around special days after the loss of a loved one too.  

Take care,

Sam - Support Line Team

Samantha 6 years ago

Edited by Samantha 6 years ago

Hello Miss You,

Thank you for sharing your own personal experience with MissingDad and others on the community about the loss of your dad shortly after giving birth to your first child.

It sounds as though you have had a lot to deal with, becoming a brand new parent whilst also experiencing the loss of a loved one. Whilst the demanding role of being a mum has helped to distract you from thinking about everything that has happened with your dad, it’s important to look after yourself during bereavement and we feature information about this on our website that you may find helpful here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/looking-after-yourself

If you ever feel that talking to someone about how you’re feeling would be beneficial, our Support Line is here to listen on Freephone 0800 090 2309 or please feel free to continue to comment through here.

Take care,

Sam - Support Line Team

Eple 6 years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for sharing your experience. I lost my dad in July too and his birthday is this Friday. Its so hard because I feel silly for wanting to talk about him and what happened as no one else seems to as much but, I'm sure everyone hasn't moved on. People cope in different ways. Talking to family and staying close at this time is so important as others could be feeling the same as you. I really do hope you're okay.

Clare 6 years ago

Hello Eple, 

We’re sorry to read that like MissingDad and MissYou you have also lost your dad. Thank you for sharing your experience with them and us. Birthdays and anniversaries can be particularly emotional times and we hope that you will find this community a supportive space to talk to others about how you are feeling.

We are also available on the Support Line should you need a listening ear.

Take care

Clare – Support Line Team