Mum palliative but no prognosis

Chloe 4 months ago

2 replies

Hello, my mum has stage 4 anal cancer which has spread to the lungs and liver. She doesn't have a prognosis, one consultant told me "a few months"... and a specialist nurse suggested 12 months. Mum doesn't want to know at the moment, which is fair enough, however I live 180 miles away and have been travelling to see her every weekend. There are closer family members but they don't help out. She has carers x 4 daily, but I'm struggling to decide whether I need to try and be there more for her. I would like to be with her full time when we get closer to 'the time' but I'm really feeling guilty that I'm not there all the time at the moment. Social services are trying to find residential care urgently ad this is what mum wants, but I just dont know what I can do or if there is more I can do as I dont think I could afford to be with her full time. Has anyone else experienced a similar issue? Thanks

Alexia 4 months ago

Hello Chloe,

Welcome to the Marie Curie online Community.

We are sorry to read about your mum and all that you are experiencing too.

It can be so hard trying to support someone when you are such a distance from them with the extra pressures this can bring.

There can be so may emotions that we may experience when we are looking after someone, and it can be hard to plan, and it can also be difficult when health care professionals are not always able to provide us with answers and sometimes it can be difficult to know how long this could go on for.

It is understandable that you cannot afford to simply not be in work. It does sound like you are doing what you can to support your mum, but I am aware this does not stop the feelings of guilt and the feelings that we should be doing more.

You have said that your mum does want to move into residential care, hopefully this will enable you to spend time focusing on being her daughter and spending quality time together.

Have you considered talking to someone at work about support they may be able to offer?

I am sharing a link that you might find useful. Your rights in work | Carers UK

I am also sharing a link from our website. Carers’ rights at work | Marie Curie

You may also find the information in this link useful Coping when someone's dying away from home | Marie Curie

I hope people will be able to share their experiences with you in our Online Community.

If you would ever like to talk to us, then we are here on the Support Line Freephone 0800 090 2309.

Take care,

Alexia-Support Line Officer

Chloe 4 months ago

Thank you very much for your reply, and some needed reassurance. I will look into these links and speak to someone at work. Best wishes, Chloe.