Losing my Dad.

Gloslad 8 years ago

3 replies

Edited by Gloslad 8 years ago

Hi all,

Watching my Dad and family cope with the sudden and jaw dropping news that Dad had Cancer was incredibly difficult. Dad fought for 3 years against an aggressive form of Cancer. First his Colon where he made a great and positive recovery. Then sadly 18 months or so later Dad had a secondary cancer in his Liver that was really quite large. To top that Bladder cancers were discovered too. This news wasn't at all welcome and was devastating. Resection of the Liver seemed at first to be successful later it was discovered it had come back and was more aggressive than ever.

Dad was admitted in to Hospital with back pain and suspected stroke. The years of Chemo had taken it's toll. After 7 weeks of Hospital care Dad passed away. Right up until the last 2 weeks we thought Dad might be OK. The unusual part of the whole experience was no one actually was mentioning Dying to us. Only when palliative care was introduced was the future becoming sadly obvious. To say we were all in a whirl is an understatement. Nothing made sense and was all very surreal and animated. 

Everything was on hold and we were all very much in denial. We were at Dads bedside constantly and on the night Dad passed away we had been there all day and in to the small hours. It was suggested to go home and get some sleep. This we did only to be called an hour later to be told Dad had passed away. To this day I can't understand how we left him there. Yes he still appeared strong but never the less we knew what the outcome was going to be. The guilt is overwhelming and is chewing me up inside. Not being there for him in his hour of need is in my book inexcusable. 

I am constantly talking to him breaking down at the mere thought of Dad. Songs, Photos anything, smells even, remind me of Dad. After 50 years as his son I can't believe i am feeling like a vulnerable child. I cannot see a way forward. Mom is inconsolable after 62 years of being together. I never really grieved as my wife reacted very badly to Dads passing and shunned my Mom until this day!! Before my wife couldn't do enough for her. So i had to deal with my wife and i being very upset  with each other and losing my Dad. As my relationship with my wife is strained anyway her shunning my family only compounded the situation greatly.

So here i am in a relationship I loathe with 2 beautiful children who I idolize who are my world. A Mother who has just had a heart attack and is grieving greatly who I love. Dad is constantly in my thoughts and visits to his grave are constant. I find seeing Dads grave a way of connecting and hope he can hear me. There's a lot more to the story than this but you get the picture. The sense of loss is disturbing and still now 7 months ago seems like a dream. I question Reality, Death, Faith you name it's all being explored. The pain of loss is overwhelming and feels like torture. Waking every nght at around the time I got the call to say Dad had passed away just destroys me. I talk to Dad hoping I get an answer but sadly nothing.

Love you Dad.x

Support 8 years ago

Hi Gloslad,

I am so sorry to read about the death of your father. Many of the feelings you describe guilt, sense of loss, grief and disbelief are all very normal and natural. There is no right or wrong way to grieve an d it is important to grieve and mourn for as long as it takes. You may find that individual family members are reacting and grieving in their own way which is different to yours and may feel slightly alien. We have lots of information on the stages of grief, along with practical information on coping with loss and bereavement here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief

Many people find it comforting to still hold conversations with their loved ones. People also tell us that it helps to get support at this stage of bereavement. Have you had any thoughts about seeking some support? It can be difficult to focus on your needs if there are other factors influencing the family dynamics. The following link provides lots if information on how to seek bereavement support for yourself, please click here.

You are very welcome to contact us on the Support Line to further discuss your situation, although we are not qualified counsellors we are able to provide emotional support and a listening ear. Please remember that the Support Line is open every day over the Christmas Period and you are welcome to get in touch if you would like to chat with one of us,  please call our Free phone Support Line on 0800 090 2309, or drop us a line via Web Chat: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help

Best Wishes

Brigette

Marie Curie Support Line.

Helen123 7 years ago

I'm feeling so low it's 18 months since I lost my dad. His death was very quick. I'm angry at every one and everything. Like you I feel like a lost child and I'm pushing people away with my behaviour. All I can remember is the last couple of weeks and how poorly he looked. It haunts me. I don't know what to do to feel better. He'd hate to see me like this.

Support 7 years ago

I am sorry to read about the death of your Dad. Many people tell us that coping with a death can be very emotional and upsetting. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You have expressed that you feel angry all the time, the information here about the stage of grief may help you with that: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grieving-your-way.

It may help to talk to someone about your feelings, there are many avenues you could explore, and we offer emotional support on our Support Line although we are not trained counsellors, or we could signpost you to professional counselling services and other avenues of support.

If you would like to talk about things in more detail please call our Free phone Support Line on 0800 090 2309, or drop us a line via Web Chat: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help

Best Wishes

Nicki

Marie Curie Support Line