Watching my Dad and family cope with the sudden and jaw dropping news that Dad had Cancer was incredibly difficult. Dad fought for 3 years against an aggressive form of Cancer. First his Colon where he made a great and positive recovery. Then sadly 18 months or so later Dad had a secondary cancer in his Liver that was really quite large. To top that Bladder cancers were discovered too. This news wasn't at all welcome and was devastating. Resection of the Liver seemed at first to be successful later it was discovered it had come back and was more aggressive than ever.
Dad was admitted in to Hospital with back pain and suspected stroke. The years of Chemo had taken it's toll. After 7 weeks of Hospital care Dad passed away. Right up until the last 2 weeks we thought Dad might be OK. The unusual part of the whole experience was no one actually was mentioning Dying to us. Only when palliative care was introduced was the future becoming sadly obvious. To say we were all in a whirl is an understatement. Nothing made sense and was all very surreal and animated.
Everything was on hold and we were all very much in denial. We were at Dads bedside constantly and on the night Dad passed away we had been there all day and in to the small hours. It was suggested to go home and get some sleep. This we did only to be called an hour later to be told Dad had passed away. To this day I can't understand how we left him there. Yes he still appeared strong but never the less we knew what the outcome was going to be. The guilt is overwhelming and is chewing me up inside. Not being there for him in his hour of need is in my book inexcusable.
I am constantly talking to him breaking down at the mere thought of Dad. Songs, Photos anything, smells even, remind me of Dad. After 50 years as his son I can't believe i am feeling like a vulnerable child. I cannot see a way forward. Mom is inconsolable after 62 years of being together. I never really grieved as my wife reacted very badly to Dads passing and shunned my Mom until this day!! Before my wife couldn't do enough for her. So i had to deal with my wife and i being very upset with each other and losing my Dad. As my relationship with my wife is strained anyway her shunning my family only compounded the situation greatly.
So here i am in a relationship I loathe with 2 beautiful children who I idolize who are my world. A Mother who has just had a heart attack and is grieving greatly who I love. Dad is constantly in my thoughts and visits to his grave are constant. I find seeing Dads grave a way of connecting and hope he can hear me. There's a lot more to the story than this but you get the picture. The sense of loss is disturbing and still now 7 months ago seems like a dream. I question Reality, Death, Faith you name it's all being explored. The pain of loss is overwhelming and feels like torture. Waking every nght at around the time I got the call to say Dad had passed away just destroys me. I talk to Dad hoping I get an answer but sadly nothing.
Love you Dad.x