just checking in

kazzy65 5 years ago

6 replies

My Darling Husband died yesterday morning.He was 57 and we had been married nearly 35 years .i had been his full time carer for two years He was born with a lung disease which in later years turned into respiratory and heart failure.I know im only a day and a half into this wonderful new world of grief and pain

Angharad 5 years ago

Hello kazzy65, 

We’re sorry to read about the death of your husband and all that you have experienced.

It can be difficult to know what you need at this time, particularly when you are newly bereaved. Many people say that they find it beneficial to talk about how they are feeling. If you feel like this would be helpful to you, you are more than welcome to talk with us here on the community or you can get in touch with us on the Support Line on Freephone 0800 090 2309.

We hope that other members here on the community will respond to you to share their experiences.

Take care, 

Angharad - Support Line Officer 

Reglois 5 years ago

Angharad

Sorry no one has replied to you, lost my husband 7 years ago from one of the same lung conditions I now have.  I didn't have to nurse him long, only a month.  You have had a year or so to come to terms with losing him which I suppose has helped a little My brother nursed his wife for 2 years and he said that he grieved the loss of the wife he knew from the beginning, helped him.  I live abroad so have had to cope more or less alone as none of my friends had lost their partners.  It isn't easy, people that once invited you as a couple now seem to no longer want a single lady in the group, scared of what?  There are new friends to be made as now several people I knew as vaguely have now lost partners and husbands so we have ladies afternoons, and share info on widows little helpers! = handymen.  I would not be without my dogs, not great conversationalists but excellent listeners  

dreaming56 5 years ago

Hi Kazzy65 & Reglois

I read both your posts and Reglois, I read your other post about loneliness & people avoiding you and your being lost in place.  Having just joined this coffee lounge 10 minutes ago, both your posts saddened me for the loneliness you are experiencing and sense of sadness and disbelief at others.

Space & Place are something personal to us all.  As our emotions change in place & space others sometimes avoid us because they don't know how to handle our grief and sadness.  Creating a safe place where you can drift off with music you love (or take a chance on listening to something new), or starting up a hobby you never felt confident to do as a child/adolescent, reading a new type/style of book or writing a letter to friends you genuinely need & miss can help.  Another tip for easing pain is to write a letter to your loved one who has passed away explaining to them how you feel about them, your current sadness, hopes, dreams, new hobby and your loneliness may help.  Put the letter into a bottle/box and let it drift away in the sea or bury it in a place you enjoyed & shared with your husbands - maybe the garden. 

I found that keeping a notebook by my bedside/lounge chair/kitchen was useful for when loneliness becomes too much to bear.  In these I write how I feel, memories, quotes, poems, recipes!  Clears my head space.  Please know both of you that I empathise and heard your voices and feel your pain.  xx  

Reglois 5 years ago

Edited by Reglois 5 years ago

Hi Kazzy

So sorry I got your name wrong in my first reply.  I suppose that now it has all sunk in such an awful stage, take all the help you can get.  I resorted to pills which I hate taking, I really do, but took them for 9 months and then weaned myself off, they numbed me out so that I could carry on with looking after my dogs, I had 5 rescues then. Realise now that I did push people away at the beginning to a certain extent, never really meant to and because they didn't know how to cope with me they never came back and in a foreign country and out in the sticks, compatriots are few and far between.  Hope family and friends are rallying around you.  If you can't tell them to please be patient and put up with you being down and dusty, write it in a little note, put it up on the wall where visible to remind them of who you want to become and for them to please be very patient while you go through this change. Have you a pet?, a little dog?, would you consider a needy rescue, they have been my life savers, something else that needed me to be strong and get out and about because they also needed me.  I took on a tiny Yorkshire terrier of 7 months, she had been dumped in a refuge after both of her back legs were broken and left to heal without treatment, one leg needed to be amputated, this was one month after I lost my husband, had to move house, saw my daughter and granddaughter leave the country after a nasty divorce (was all arranged before the death of my husband), little dog really needed me as much as I needed her.

Dreaming  Such a nice post, thank you.  I have music on constantly, as I need a certain rhythm to be able to control my breathing and not panic. I am on oxygen but it only help keep my organs oxygenated.  Have several progressive lung diseases from breathing in toxic fumes from when I worked, no health and safety then !!! husband died of the same thing only his turned into small cell lung cancer, I risk that too, determined to hold out as long as possible as I have two rescue dogs left which includes aforementioned  tiny three legged Yorky. they keep me fighting when I want to give up. Their futures are arranged so don't have to worry about them.

A bientôt   Sue    Sorry written a book again

dreaming56 5 years ago

Hi, so pleased your dogs bring you peace.  Poor yorky, thank god you were around to save her.  I have a little dog who is my princess (she is very spoilt lol).  She has been part of my life for 6 years and without her to take care of and love, my heart would have shattered.  We go everywhere together, even work!

Glad to hear your dogs keep you fighting when you want to give up, everyone needs someone to let them know that life can be lived with joy when faced with adversity. 

My friends mum had progressive lung diseases from working life back in 1970's as did another friends father.  If these were caused in UK working life, can you put in a claim with a solicitor?  They did, and finances received helped ease their lives.  (Just a thought).

Keep on rescuing and reaching out to those in need xx