Heart breaking

  • Posts: 27
    14/04/2015  13:23

    Hi again anu10,


    It is just an awful situation, all around.


    Your mum is almost inevitably going to get 'angry' because of the pain she is in, and your dad is also almost inevitably going to 'be depressed' by what is happening - as for you, I hope you don't you don't fall apart completely under the strain (I'm sure you will be affected - I just hope, not 'dreadfully affected').


    Your friends are probably in the difficult situation of not really knowing what to say, or how to offer to support you - being 'inside these situations' is not the same as 'looking from the outside'.


    I'm not - I suspect - all that 'mentally robust' (I had a bad experience around my mum's death, and I was notably depressed for a couple of years - a brief description is online, but MC seems to have an 'anonymity rule' so I can't [it seems] point you at the piece).  But my experience was far less bad than yours: and what happened to me, definitely 'left me damaged'.


    One last point: do make sure that you and your mum are complaining to 'the senior people' (hospital consultants or the GP) about the lack of adequate pain relief which your mum is receiving - don't just 'comment to nurses about it', comment to the more senior people about it.


    Any society and healthcare system which cannot provide adequate [requested - there is a history of 'deep sedation without getting permission from the patient' in NHS behaviour, which isn't on !] pain relief to people who are dying, is not humane (again, I could point at something I've written online about that, but doing so would seem to break the MC 'anonymity' rule).


    When you wrote 'They just cant seem to get the pain under control which worries me' it took me back to when my mum was dying. She was mainly interested in dying at home (dad had died at home) but there was a spell for a couple of days when I could see that mum had got 'head pain' which was bothering her, and that bothered me: but my mum very quickly became 'peacefully comatose', which resolved it. But I must admit, during the couple of days when the pain was worrying me I spoke to the GP about pain relief, and it seemed less of a priority to the GP, than to me (although the situation was 'quite confusing'). Whether a person wants pain relief or not, is down to the person suffering the pain (I asked a couple of times 'Do you want to go to hospital - they might be able to get rid of the pain ?' but my mum's responses {nodding by this stage - although I think for a few days my mum could speak, but was choosing not to speak, and was 'nodding' instead} were 'no') - but it is not a nice thing, to see people you love in pain.


  • Posts: 6
    03/05/2015  21:39

    Mum was in hospital for 17 days..this pain started in her back they did mri etc and saw some cancer on her bsck bone...the same time mum fractured her arm.they put a metal rod in...shes home now but im not convinced pain is totally controlled..it scares me so much that she is going to carry on struggling till end of life.its so unfair...shouldnt be like this.

  • Posts: 27
    05/05/2015  13:41

    Hi anu10,


    Ask the GP or Consultant about the pain relief thing, assuming your mum would like better pain relief than she is getting. There are complications, around pain relief - in particular, some nurses will not administer the full prescribed dose, if they think it might hasten the patient's death - and I've also seen some nonsense written about 'pain scoring'. Pain is felt, so the patient 'scores the pain' in my opinion.


    It strikes me, that Mark (or someone else writing for MC on this website) should have a view on 'pain and how well it should be controlled' in your mum's situation ?



  • Community Manager - Posts: 120
    05/05/2015  16:41

    I'd echo what's already been said here about talking to your mothers GP or Oncologist about pain management for her, they're the people who know her case and are able to make the decisions about that.


    Also has your mother been referred to a specialist nurse, either from Marie Curie or Macmillan? If not I'd also ask about this when you're talking to the GP/Oncologist as they can help both your mother plus you and your family as well.


    We've also got some general information on controlling pain and pain relief and common side effects that I'd recommend reading plus two short videos where Dr Peter Nightingale talks on the subject. I hope they're a useful resource to check before you have the conversation about this.  






  • Posts: 6
    05/05/2015  21:25

    Thank you... Yes she has macmillian nurse i have told them and they are in contact with her...she spent 17 days in hospital where the docs tried different pain medications. Thanks for the videos...

    I just pray now that mums suffering stops and she's comfortable and happy. ..when i sit down and try and think of happy times with my parents all i can think of is cancer related events.. Dads 2nd week of bowel c treatment..im on that cancer role coaster again........

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