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  • Death of my dad and hassle with possible abusive partner



    1 reply

    Hi there, I'm having issues with family and could do with some unbiased opinions because I'm really struggling right now to know what to do. My dad died the end of January with cancer. We weren't close the last few years of his life due to the relationship with his current wife. He married her but she didn't want any of his family there so we didn't go (she had hers there), they would get drunk all the time and phone me giving me abuse, eventually due to having two children and for my own mental health, I had to cut ties and block them. I then heard things about him being covered in bruises, getting black eyes, he then ended up at my grandparents house as she had threatened him with a knife, threw him out, he was leaving her etc. on several occasions and he had a restraining order against her at one point. He always went back to her a few days later. Last year April, he was given a terminal diagnosis of lung and brain cancer. He eventually phoned myself and my sister and we were around him a lot since. My sister blames my dad a lot for abusing his wife too and said it was two ways. I think she was abusing him and alienated him from his family and friends. She worked a full time 50k paid job but took on shifts at his night shift job (same shifts) because she thought he was cheating. My dad tried to stay at home for as long as he could until he had a few falls. His wife never took a day off work. She left him sleeping downstairs alone every night. He told me he would shout and cry for her and she would ignore him. She would go to the gym for about 2 hours after work each day. Not leave him food etc. He did eventually get 2 carers in for 2 x 15 min periods a day. He ended up in a Hospice and died within a few days of being there although I was so thankful for him getting some proper care at the end. He had apparently booked and paid for a closed cremation. My dad had told us this with his wife present about 2 weeks before he passed. Myself and my sister were upset because he had always told us his plans for his funeral, what songs etc, so it came as a shock. When she left the room I recorded and asked if this is what he wanted or of it was what she wanted. He said it was what she wanted. He said nobody is there for him apart from her. He had a go at me and my sister for not helping and visiting enough. I really believe these were her words. I really believe he was being domestically abused. Now I am having a dilemma, his wife will not inform me of when his cremation is taking place and after myself asking about 3 times and her saying he has "probably been disposed of", I have been blocked. So many people have asked about a funeral etc, my dad was a really popular man in his younger and older years before he was with his current wife. If you were his child, would you go with his word and have nothing or would you show him how loved he actually was and allow everyone to come pay respects at a memorial service (nothing huge, some music, buffet and drinks and photos etc.) My sister is siding with his wife and I just want to do best by him and honour him. She has also had no contact with his dad or brothers since he passed so our family are really not in the know and feeling useless right now. Signs I believe of domestic violence are: - She controlled their money - She helped to push him away from his children, grandchildren and family through alcohol abuse - She set his messages and calls to go through to her phone too - He would speak a lot of negative things to me if she wasn't around about how he treats her etc - He was always accused of cheating (and she got a job to work his shifts) - He was very depressed and had no free time with any friends etc since they were together - The police were called multiple times by neighbours, police reports exist and he had a restraining order against her - She would always buy him tickets to see him favourite bands to make up for things - There's plenty filled in punch holes in doors and walls over their house.

    I'm so sorry to ask but if I can't find out when he is being cremated etc, can I seek legal help to? Can all this be used in help to get me a right to information.

    From one very grieving daughter

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  • admin

    Hello dalziel94,

    Welcome to our Online Community. 

    We’re sorry to read about the recent death of your dad and all that you’re experiencing. 

    It sounds as though things are difficult at the moment and we want to make sure you get the most appropriate information. Citizens Advice Bureau and the Bereavement Advice Centre may be able to offer legal help. Citizens Advice have a national phone line and their contact details can be found here: and the Bereavement Advice Centre have information here and their contact number is 0800 634 9494.

    Some funeral care providers may also provide a list of upcoming funerals on their website, so you may wish to reach out to local funeral directors or the crematorium directly. 

    If you would like any emotional support during this time, we’re here for you on our Support Line and right here on the Online Community 💛

    Take care,

    Marie Curie Online Community Team

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