Cruel comment made 5 days after the death of my mother

Hornblower 2 years ago

1 reply

My 99 year old mother died three weeks ago. Five days after her death I received the following comment over the phone from my sister-in-law, "I have been surprised at what you've been able to do this week. At least you're not sitting for 24 hours a day wallowing in self-pity". By the way I cared for my mother for almost 14 years, and for 13 of those years I was Mum's sole carer. I received help only for the last year of Mum's life.

The implication here is clearly that if I was crying or grieving constantly the whole time that I would be "wallowing in self-pity"

I found that comment cruel in the extreme so close after my bereavement and could only attribute her callousness to some deep-rooted personal issue.

I am having difficulty forgiving my sister-in-law and I feel that her comment has resulted in me feeling I should not be crying or grieving and should not speak about my loss.

Clare 2 years ago

Hello Hornblower,

We’re sorry to hear about the recent death of your mum and how this comment from your sister in law is making you feel. People do sometimes have expectations of how we should be when someone dies but the reality is there is no right or wrong way to be. Grief is very personal, and it is important that you express your feelings in a way that you are comfortable with doing. 

Many people tell us that they find they are very busy during these initial weeks with all the practical arrangements that they need to focus on and that it can be later on that different emotions come through. This does not at all mean that you are not grieving for your mum right now though. Our information on grieving in your own way may be helpful for you and your family - www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grieving-your-way

Please be reassured that it is fine to talk about your loss whether with family, friends, here on the Community or with our Support Line - www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/marie-curie-support-line

If others have had similar experiences, please do share them with Hornblower and us on here.

Take care,

Clare – Support Line Team