Clinging on to hope

Hope 2 years ago

4 replies

Hi new to the group and thought I should reach out to more like minded people that might understand. I'm 24 and I live with my mum who has been battling an aggressive rare cancer for 2 years now. Since I am the only one living with mum practical and emotional support tends to fall on me, although I do have some other supportive family. The journey so far has been a roller coaster and brought up so many more emotions than I ever thought. Guilt has been a big one for me, I struggle to go away for weekends, see friends or my boyfriend without feeling massive amounts of guilt leaving mum. Often cancel plans because of this. I have resented seeing friends living a 'normal' care free in their 20's life. Stress, fear, frustration, anger, sadness and so many more feelings. I came on here today after finding out further bad news that more tumours have come up on her lung as well as another tumour on her liver. Mum has often told me I need to accept that she will live with this forever and it might not ever go, like a chronic illness. I find this very hard to accept...

I have no questions or even responses, I suppose I just wanted to share my story and let people know that all the 'ugly' feelings are so normal.

joanne24 2 years ago

Hello and welcome to the Marie Curie Community. We’re sorry to read about your mums diagnosis and that you have recently had more bad news today . Supporting a parent with a long  illness can be an emotional experience. Hopefully others here on the Marie Curie Community can share their experiences and insights, perhaps talk about ways in which they managed similar situations.

We appreciate news like this can be very difficult to cope with . It may  be helpful to share your worries with the team supporting your mum  they will hopefully be able to offer reassurance and indicate the kinds of practical help that might be available to you to help care for her and possibly provide some respite for you during this difficult time .

It’s normal to feel a lot of powerful emotions with everything that’s happening, you may have lots of questions about caring for someone who has a long term illness. You can read more about being a carer and ways to look after yourself on our website at https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/being-there

Our Support Line is also here for a listening ear and for information. You can speak with us online at www.mariecurie.org.uk or by phone on Freephone 0800 090 2309.

Thinking of you 

Joanne -Support Line Officer 

Paintbrush 2 years ago

Hope, hello, I’m a retired Counsellor with Myeloproliferative neoplasm, a manageable but incurable cancer. I have a Son and a daughter, both in their twenties like you. Challenges any feelings of guilt please. I’m fortunate in that as a counsellor I trained my kids not to entertain any feelings of guilt or shame although, like you, my daughter struggled coming to terms with my illness. I felt well enough for us to walk the dogs in woods, we have processed a lot of difficult emotions and now make eachother laugh every day. I have a wicked and awful sense of humour, especially gifted at taking the micky out of Cancer and Death. Don’t ever give up Hope, know you will get through this and indeed you will recover from losing your mum, as will my kids. Life’s not fair, neither is Nature, life’s not easy, no one has it easy, Fakebook is full of fake lives pretending to be wonderful. Grab your time away, get as much time as possible meeting freinds and LIVING and laughing; it’s vital in recharging your inner strength. I’ve warmed my kids that I feel death is a very private thing to me, like taking a crap, I’d prefer to do it alone! Remember this should you not be there when mum dies, she might be like me, wanting to spare her kids the unnecessary added trauma. I’m strong in Faith so don’t fear death whatsoever, this helps my kids so so much. Bless you and I wish you Love and Joy and laughter. 🙏🦋🏅

Hedgehog7 1 year ago

Hi Hope, I wondered if you’re still checking this? I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt - even prior to my own mum’s diagnosis I would feel guilty for spending time with a friend. Now it’s a million times worse as it’s impacting on whether I spend time with my own children. I hope that you’re doing ok. I’d love to chat if you’re still here x

Brigette 1 year ago

Hi Hedgehog7,

I am sorry that your post hasnt been responded to as of yet. We are working on improving this community space. If you would like somebody to speak to about how you are feeling I am wondering if our Volunteeer service would be helpful. You can read all about here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/check-in-and-chat

Thinking of you as try to balance your needs with that of your mum. 

Brgiette