Satlady 7 years ago

Definitely not intruding. The why dad from the children, I don't try and answer, youngest asked again this morning, why dad mum, why now - answered with I don't know sweet I feel the same and I know if we could both change it for dad we would but we can't do we have to be there for dad and each other, bless him Are you coping ok

WGCman 7 years ago

I think that the "Why?"s from your children must be the most difficult aspect of handling your grief. I didn't have this before and won't now. "I don't know... life is unfair" is the best anyone can do.

Satlady 7 years ago

Thank you for replying it's been a roller coaster of a ride. My fiance decided he wanted to get married and get our youngest christened before anything happened - our amazing village, community, friends and family rallied together and sorted the wedding and christening of my fiance's dreams, we officially married 5 days before a full White church blessing and christening we did the vows early to take the pressure of him on the day. We were married for just two weeks when he passed away in my arms at our local amazing hospice with our children and family nearby. Diagnosed with no prior knowledge 13.04, told terminal and time 27.04, married 23/29.07 battle lost 08.08 - I've lost my husband, soul mate, best friend and the most amazing father and grandad - gutted - understatement - still reeling yes - celebration of life/funeral took place 2 days ago - he wanted a happy colourful funeral with a celebration/party afterwards - so that is what I did. Two amazing days in such a short space of time, never been to a wedding or funeral like it and probably never will again - we have all lost an amazing man . Apologies for not replying to sooner things just took over - if you have things you think you want to do, do them sooner than later and live for everyday. So much love around us, myself and the children will take comfort in the many memories that we have made and we have been helped to make in such a short space of time. Best wishes and good luck xxxx

WGCman 7 years ago

I am very sorry about your news, which started excellent but was finally devastating. I picked it up in August and decided to reply when I could give the matter some thought rather than quickly. A lot has happened to my wife and me in the four months since I last contributed to the forum. It was very thoughtful of your partner to get married. Although most of your happy memories predated the wedding it is a moment you will especially treasure for the rest of your life, as will your children. I would like to think that he died happier knowing the pleasure that his decision gave all four of you.

It has been said that grief for the loss of someone close lasts two years, and when my son died 40 years ago, I found that it was indeed after two years that I could go several hours without thinking about him, although I then often felt guilty that I had temporarily forgotten. I still cry sometimes. It is unusual to lose a child, though equally usual to lose a parent at some stage, which means that, hopefully, your children will recover from the loss quicker than you. You cannot avoid grieving, and you may still be at the stage where you don't even want to avoid it. But at the same time you will be focussing on the needs of the children and, though you must grieve, it might help to remind yourself from time to time that your husband would also want your children's needs to come first.

I don't expect your grief is any less because your husband is no longer suffering from a horrible disease, or because you had a few months to prepare for the shock. I may find out soon. I have mentioned my/mywife's situation briefly to you and posted a fuller account separately on the forum. As I have said there, friends sometimes find these situations difficult to handle, and I am surprised that I have managed three paragraphs to you. I do sincerely hope you are beginning to recover and coping in this difficult time.

Satlady 7 years ago

Hello

I've read your reply several time over before responding.

The children are doing as well as can be expected, all were unsettled last night as today it will be three months since we lost Chris, I didn't sleep last night so will try and get my head down for an hour today to make it through today.

I lost my sister 17 years ago and Dad 14 years ago and helped my Mum through that, it has taken her  a lot of time to start seeing the otherside of things.

The memories yes most as you rightly say predate the wedding, he was just so determined that we were going to get married and it is something that the children have been asking for for the past 5 years at least, so for them it was amazing even if shortlived, my daughter and step daughter were our  bridesmaids, our youngest son was best man and our eldest son walked we down the aisle, he was also pall bearer for his dad.

Chris smiled all day from the time we helped him get ready to the time he went to bed he did not stop, he amazed everyone there at the stamina he had on that day, he left home at 1.30pm and came back home at 1.30am, none of us can understand how he did it.  He managed to stand to greet me at the end of the aisle, to cut the cake and had a very short first dance with me, truly amazing man.

It is hard and I have days were I look at the magnitude of things around me with the three children, home and work and just think how, how am I going to do this, but I am just taking one day at a time and one hurdle at a time, which those hurdles have included my car being written off, a broken toilet and a washing that gave in.  In the normal way these would just be everyday things but seemed like monumental tasks but I got there sorted them all on my own, all firsts, along with halloween and bonfire night Chris was the biggest kid in the home so it was hard but party like he would have we did on both, broke me inside but the children loved it as did friends and family.

I'm seeing a lovely lady from the hospice every couple of weeks and the children are seeing a lady from FIG, we have Chris's ashes back with the undertaker and as a family ar deciding what to do with them, I have taken a small amount out to have them made into a glass pendant for myself in our favourite colour so he can always be with me while I'm wearing that necklace as well as always being in our hearts and I'm wearing his wedding ring next to mine.

We are having a tree planted in the village and part of his ashes are going to go under the tree at the childrens request to help it grow and the rest of the ashes we are going to scatter as Chris requested, he did say just put part of me here decide betweeen where you want the rest of me.

I am trying very hard to stay focused and positive and keep some structure for the children and have agreed with them that if there are places we want to see or go to and we can then we will, if we want to try something and we can and it's save we will.

We were given several items for the wedding that all had three words on them Live Laugh Love and this is what I am aiming to do for me and for them.

Thank you so much for replying, I haven't been on here much since we lost Chris so haven't read your full post, I will find it and have a read. 

If you want to chat I'm about, I pick up the messages via email alert.

Take care and best wishes to you

Penny