Holliej90 5 hours ago
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My lovely Nannie Sheila who is like my second mum has terminal lung cancer. I was with her at the appointment in March 2020 when she was told her diagnosis and that she would only have 12-18 months to live. My grandad was in the room but unfortunately he didn’t hear the doctor so I had to repeat the words to him, a moment that unfortunately will stay with me forever. I then had to make the dreaded phone call to my dad and tell him the news too.
My grandparents live in Spain and have done since I was a teenager. I have many fond memories of spending whole summers with them, and so many other lovely childhood memories, but now it’s incredibly hard feeling far away and not around the corner when my Nan is so poorly.
When my Nan got her diagnosis, it was during one of my visits to Spain but unfortunately Covid was starting and I had to get back to the UK before the first lockdown. Covid was not a good time for me, for obvious reasons but also because I couldn’t see my Nan. I’ve never had anything happen or lost someone close to me before. I gained a lot of weight, I drank a lot and I’m ashamed to admit but also got myself into a lot of debt. I was constantly looking for that quick burst of feeling better.
There’s been so many up and down moments throughout the past nearly 6 years of my Nans health journey. The longer time goes on, the more difficult I’m finding to navigate it all. People tell me I can’t believe she’s still here or we’re lucky that she’s still here because it’s 6 years on and she was only given 12-18 months. I don’t feel lucky, I feel like it’s a ticking time bomb. Every visit I’ve had since it’s so hard, and it’s that feeling of will I see you again when I say goodbye to come home.
This is where I am now… I used to speak to my Nan on FaceTime or phone every few days, now I physically can’t do it. I think about her all the time and I tell myself I need to call her, I want to call her but I can’t physically do it. I can’t explain it, I just can’t. I feel selfish and I feel guilty. I ask my dad all the time ‘have you spoke to Nan, how is she?’ I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago to tell her I’ve booked a flight to see her on the 7th February (I last saw her in March last year). Before then I spoke to her in November. That’s awful I know but I just can’t physically do it. No one around me understands and I can’t explain to them why either. What breaks me the most is what my Nan must think. But I feel paralysed.
Today my dad called me to say your nans not doing good and the cancer is now progressing. She won’t be going to hospital anymore for treatment, they’re going to come to their house and treat her at home. This is it. Is the 7th February too far away? I’m only going for the weekend, why am I not going for longer? Why am I not prioritising my Nan?
And my poor dad in all this, how must he be feeling?
It’s a lot, I’m struggling, and I’m not sure if me not being able to speak to her is normal but that’s where I am.
If you read this, I appreciate that you took the time to read it.
