ValS 4 months ago
3 replies
End of Life thoughts by Val
I feel the life I built melting away piece by piece and it grieves me as my body makes it harder and harder, and then too hard, to continue the joy-level my mind needs. When I reached that certain age, 65 in my case (I'm now 70), I realized the majority of my life had passed and I was sad. Not because I had regrets. I don't dwell on mistakes or things that can no longer be corrected - I was sad because I knew I had so much more to do, so much to finish, and because I could already feel the grief of deeply missing my family, especially my grandson K! I realized years ago, that I was already beginning to grieve the family losses I wouldn’t even experience because I would die first. And right now, in this moment, I am grieving them very deeply, because I grieve the loss of every person I love deeply, and death is close. I still grieve for my father seven years after his death.
And now, I find myself in a horrible predicament. I stand between grief, and pushing myself to finish the thousands of very important little projects needed for my family to survive well. And selfishly, I also want to cut out a tiny bit of time to just relax and enjoy these last few moments I have left. My head and heart say hurry, hurry, hurry! Build memories with them so they remember me. But that's narcissistic. Do I want to build memories that will cause them to grieve too hard and too long? Of course not! I want my family to celebrate the life we shared, not the death that complicates their lives for weeks. I just want to share all my joy with them, right now, and until the moment I die ... but that's narcissistic, too. There's not enough time to get the biggest priorities done and also share thousands of moments of family joy.
So, I push forward. The projects! So many of them, and each one so important. Some never will get done. So I prioritize! I need to finish my grandson's schooling to obtain his diploma. I need to finish my grandson's adoption papers to protect him from being shuffled among family. Fix the hole in the roof. Faucets to replace. I need to leave the house and vehicles in good repair because "bless their tiny hearts" my men don't have the common sense or a single real experience in home or automotive repair to accomplish this, and we don't have the financial means to just pay and get it done. Then it breaks my heart, because I've done them wrong. I've always taken care of all of this and never pushed them to learn day to day survival, not even cooking. I protected them to the deepest default level, pushed them to try everything, and to enjoy life. But not how to survive it! This is my greatest disservice in life, and I've found it to be my deepest grief! I'm leaving them unprepared for life.
I don't regret the life I've lived. I don't regret the loves I chose. But I grieve loving my life and family too hard, so well, too well, to the point I handicapped them in their future life. I can only hope, for now, that they will celebrate my life, with them and without them, and forgive me for leaving them to carry on without the needed skills. I will hope they have as wonderful a life as I've had, despite my disservice to them, because I can sincerely say I've had a good life. I've always felt loved growing up and through a difficult first marriage (thanks daddy!). I enjoyed a happy second marriage full of love (thanks hubby). I've loved each and every one of my children and grandchildren to depths I could never imagine. I even survived a horrendous bout with cancer. I've been more than moderately happy and content all my life with only one short exception .. only a few can claim this. And I truly feel blessed every day I continue to be here!
And now, I have important choices to make, projects to finish, thanks to give! My ending projects may overload me to the point I am unable to be as visible in upcoming months. Many of my friends will receive a thank you keychain. It's just a small token that conveys the appreciation for the many things you did that helped me in so many ways, some ways I'm sure you don't even realize. Your small acts of kindness continue to make my days easier, happier, and make me feel blessed! Just a greeting hug does more wonders than you could know. Big thank you to everyone! And now, lol, I'm done whining! On to my projects and a couple of bucket list goals I have left! And may whatever powers-that-be with whom you place your wishes, your heart, your beliefs, your goals, your tears - Bless ALL of you beyond anything you ever imagined. And from the bottom of my heart, my best advice ... "Cherish every moment of every day that you are able to love someone else!" That's what life is about. Plus, truly, better words have never been said than these, "Live Love Laugh" and "Happiness is not about getting all that you want ... It's about enjoying all that you have.”
I consider myself so very lucky and blessed to have people in my life that make saying goodbye so very hard.
