Talking to children about death and dying is one of the hardest conversations to have around the subject of terminal illness. So in our first Question & Answer session on the Marie Curie Community please ask us any questions you’ve got on the subject and we’ll do our best to help.
Our host Ann Scanlon will be answering your questions tomorrow (11th March)and on Thursday (12th March)between 3-4pm. You can start posting them now and she’ll answer them when she’s online. Just scroll down to read her answers.
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"It is so important to allow children no matter how old they are to be able to have a voice in grief."
Ann works for Marie Curie as a children and young persons counsellor in the West Midlands. She’s supported children who have experienced a bereavement or who are living with a terminal illness for 13 years.
Hi Ann. My Dad died yesterday from bowel cancer which had spread to his liver and lymph nodes. He kept going until 3 days before, when he became bed bound and we were very well-supported by Marie Curie over the weekend. He was 76 and although we knew he was terminally ill, it all happened very fast. My 2 daughters, aged 7 and 5, even chatted to him on FaceTime the evening before he passed away. His funeral is on Monday and I’d like my daughters to come, only if they would like to. We’re going to have a small family service at the crematorium first, followed by a thanksgiving service at the church. Can you advise me how to explain the death to children of this age? How do I best explain cremation without using words like fire and burning? I don’t want to lie to them as children of that age like to hear it straight but at the same time, I don’t want to frighten them. Thank you Elspeth
Hi Ann, my husband died in August last year, he had been given a terminal prognosis 13 months before that. My sons, now aged 17 and 13, barely mention what has happened. I know they don’t like to see me upset but it upsets me that they won’t talk about what has happened. My oldest feels - and has said - that he has to be cheerful all the time. I know they are resilient boys and this is their way of dealing with everything but sometimes I feel really lonely and want to speak to them about it. They watched their Dad deteriorate over the 13 months and we were honest from the start that there was no hope. I just don’t know the best way forward.
I am so pleased that charities like Marie Curie do this work with children. I was 17 when my father died and there was no counselling for any of us available. My younger brother was only 12. My Mum coped really badly and our family was torn apart by the experience. I went off the rails and it took me many years to get over his loss. I still struggle emotionally with anything to do with death and saying goodbye. However, I now have a daughter of my own and we talk often about death and loss. I would hate her to struggle the way I did should anything happen to me or her father. Having lost a parent young, I am very aware of how life can be cut short and make sure she knows how much she is loved and always will be.
A very close friend of mine died of breast cancer a few years ago, leaving behind two young children. She chose not to tell them the seriousness of her condition until the very last minute and I wonder what you would advise as the way to deal with helping children cope with such awful news. I wouldn’t want to burden my daughter but we have also had a very close and honest relationship so would not want to spoil that either. Thank goodness I am not in the position of having to go through this sadness but I’d be interested to hear your advice on how the experts deal with it.
Question from Rathlin38: Hi Ann. My Dad died yesterday from bowel cancer which had spread to his liver and lymph nodes. He kept going until 3 days before, when he became bed bound and we were very well-supported by Marie Curie over the weekend. He was 76 and although we knew he was terminally ill, it all happened very fast. My 2 daughters, aged 7 and 5, even chatted to him on FaceTime the evening before he passed away. His funeral is on Monday and I’d like my daughters to come, only if they would like to. We’re going to have a small family service at the crematorium first, followed by a thanksgiving service at the church. Can you advise me how to explain the death to children of this age? How do I best explain cremation without using words like fire and burning? I don’t want to lie to them as children of that age like to hear it straight but at the same time, I don’t want to frighten them. Thank you Elspeth
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Hi Elspeth, sorry to hear about your loss. It is really good that you have been able to keep the children involved in all your journey. Allowing the children to have face timed their granddad will help them to know that they too are important in their relationship with their granddad. If you include children like you have, it allows them to still feel they are in control of what is happening around them. You have prevented them from being isolated in their thoughts. Again asking the children if they would like to attend granddad’s funeral allows them to have a voice. Go with what they decide and maybe add “Whatever you decide is ok” as this takes the emphasis off them making the wrong decision for them.
If you try and explain to them about once you die you do not need your body anymore as our body is the shell holding together who we are when we are alive. It is important to link it to the child’s beliefs. Letting them know that Grandad is not in pain and is safe can also help and that the process of cremation does not hurt their loved one as you do not feel pain once you die. Be guided by them. Only answer question they ask. It may be that they do not need to know the process at this present time. Water bugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney can be a lovely useful book for children of this age. It helps describe the process of death.
Question from BJS66: Hi Ann, my husband died in August last year, he had been given a terminal prognosis 13 months before that. My sons, now aged 17 and 13, barely mention what has happened. I know they don’t like to see me upset but it upsets me that they won’t talk about what has happened. My oldest feels - and has said - that he has to be cheerful all the time. I know they are resilient boys and this is their way of dealing with everything but sometimes I feel really lonely and want to speak to them about it. They watched their Dad deteriorate over the 13 months and we were honest from the start that there was no hope. I just don’t know the best way forward.
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Hi there, if your sons are able to bring their dad’s name into your conversations, this maybe adequate for them. If they are also struggling to do this, then it could be that like you mentioned they are protecting you. If they are not talking about memories or mentioning dad’s name, maybe start from here. Let them know that even if your upset, it is still ok to talk and you are comfortable with this. It can work better with lads if conversations like this happen whilst doing other things so it is not as formal. Being cheerful all the time could be his way of protecting himself. “If I show people I am happy then they won’t treat me differently or ask any questions.” There is no time limit on grief even though there can be an expectation that after so long grief disappears.
It maybe that if you are able to share memories with one another, this in turn will then help them work through their journey of their dad’s illness. For some young people the importance is remembering the person for whom they were when they were well. It may be useful to check out with them if they are able to talk and share with others, maybe for your youngest a member of teaching staff or friend.
Depending on where you live, there are supportive organisations for both adults and children where you may find it beneficial to talk through your journey with an independent person. This can be useful as you haven’t got that thought “I’m bothering you again or I wish I hadn’t said anything now”. It can be good to share your feeling and know it is a safe place. This can help you also feel less alone. For some young people in grief the importance is on keeping positive. As long as they are comfortable with how they are managing their grief, try not to worry too much.
Keep an eye out for behaviour changes. This is a good indication if a young person is struggling in their grief. As a parent you are not only having to work through your own grief, but your children’s too. Children and young people have the ability to separate their grief from others therefore allowing them to move forward in their grief at a faster pace. However if you do feel they are bottling their emotions up, it may be worth suggesting talking to someone external to the family. Please remember though, you are giving them the opportunity to talk by inviting them to. They will take their lead from you. If they see you are ok talking about dad, this in turn may help them to. Marie Curie Cancer Care have a book called Teenage Grief which you may find useful. You will be able to obtain a copy from Marie Curie Cancer Care.
Hi Ann, I lost my 10 year old daughter almost 3 years ago ,her younger sister was just 2 at the time ,we have always talked about Lauren even though we cry she seemed to be coping very well but recently she has been getting upset in school & tells the teacher it’s because she misses her sister ,it’s so heartbreaking
I try to tell her that Lauren is always watching over her & point out white feathers & bright stars to comfort her
I don’t want her to feel that by mentioning Lauren she will upset me
My mil died of brain cancer in 2011. Our son was 17 months when this happened, we have photos of her around the house and visit her grave regularly. He remembers that nana was in a wheelchair ( every wheelchair he sees he looks in to check for nana)
We never told him she had died as he was too young, he has now started to ask to see her and go to her house. My husband explained that she is an angel but he is asking the why she is and how. We are finding this difficult to answer, what would you suggest?
Question from amspans: I am so pleased that charities like Marie Curie do this work with children. I was 17 when my father died and there was no counselling for any of us available. My younger brother was only 12. My Mum coped really badly and our family was torn apart by the experience. I went off the rails and it took me many years to get over his loss. I still struggle emotionally with anything to do with death and saying goodbye. However, I now have a daughter of my own and we talk often about death and loss. I would hate her to struggle the way I did should anything happen to me or her father. Having lost a parent young, I am very aware of how life can be cut short and make sure she knows how much she is loved and always will be.
A very close friend of mine died of breast cancer a few years ago, leaving behind two young children. She chose not to tell them the seriousness of her condition until the very last minute and I wonder what you would advise as the way to deal with helping children cope with such awful news. I wouldn’t want to burden my daughter but we have also had a very close and honest relationship so would not want to spoil that either. Thank goodness I am not in the position of having to go through this sadness but I’d be interested to hear your advice on how the experts deal with it.
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Hi there, thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. I have heard many a time from adults who have struggled through their grief as a child and the lack of support they were able to receive and the impact this has had on their lives. This is why it is so important that there are organisations like Marie Curie who can support not just the child but also offer guidance to the adults supporting that child. Being open with your daughter is so important especially in grief.
Sometimes it is easier to think “What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them”. This does not really work in grief. By allowing the young person to be part of the journey with you allows them to know that they too are important in all of this. It is difficult to know when is the right time to speak to your child about a terminal illness as the last thing you want is for them to be suffering. However I would say, the majority of children and young people do want this information shared with them.
I am not sure how old your daughter is, but in general it is best to be led by the child. They may already have witnessed changes in physical appearance, what they are able to do as a family unit together and conversations. Ask them what they understand about the person’s condition. By doing this you are allowing them to have a voice, you are keeping that trust between you. It can even be useful to ask them how much information they would like you to share with them. Children will dip in and out of their grief so will not carry the burden of someone they love dearly is terminally ill for lengthy periods at a time. Share the information at a pace which is right for you and your child. They don’t need to know everything all at once.
They may ask you questions you are not sure how to answer. Be honest with them and let them know you don’t know. By letting your child know when there is a terminal illness, you are giving them the chance to not just understand it but a chance to be able to stay in control and be able to say their goodbyes. By allowing the child in, you have not taken away their right to decide what is best for them. Even as young as 4 years, they will have an opinion of how much they would like to be involved and what is best for them. It sounds as though you and your daughter have a beautiful open relationship. Keep going.
Question from Mandy: Hi Ann, I lost my 10 year old daughter almost 3 years ago ,her younger sister was just 2 at the time ,we have always talked about Lauren even though we cry she seemed to be coping very well but recently she has been getting upset in school & tells the teacher it’s because she misses her sister ,it’s so heartbreaking
I try to tell her that Lauren is always watching over her & point out white feathers & bright stars to comfort her
I don’t want her to feel that by mentioning Lauren she will upset me
is there anything you can suggest
thank you Mandy
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Hi Mandy, it is great that you have been able to continue to keep Lauren’s memory alive for her sister. Your youngest daughter (sorry I don’t know her name) is at a stage in her understanding, of realising that death is permanent. She may still not quite understand what permanent means. Don’t be too concerned if you cry when talking to your daughter about Lauren. This will help her to understand that it is ok to show her emotions too. Let her know that sometimes it can help you when you cry. Sometimes children will offload to other people they trust such as teachers in order to protect their parents. This does not mean that they do not feel comfortable in talking to their parents. Sometimes the closer the family unit, the more beneficial external support can be as everyone is protecting one another. It is great that she has felt comfortable enough to talk to this teacher.
Children at this age can generalise too. Although she has said she misses Lauren, it might be worth checking out what she means by this. What would she like? It maybe that she is saying also that she misses the company of another child and as Lauren is vivid she has connected to her. She may be concerned she is forgetting her sister. Your memories will become her memories; she will be able to own them. You may be interested in a book called Badgers Parting Gift. This helps to explain the process of death to a young child.
It may be that Lauren’s sister is in the next phrase now of wanting to know not just who Lauren was and what was she like, but a little about what happened so she can piece her story together. You may like to do a memory jar with her. You will need coloured chalk and salt and a small jar. Measure the salt into the jar until it is full. Then tip onto 4 pieces of paper. Each piece of paper is a memory. Roll the chalk backwards and forwards in the chalk until you get to the colour you want. As you are doing it talk about that memory. You can add glitter to make it even more special. Pour into your jar. Do this with each piece of paper. Your jar will end up with 4 different colours which will relate to the memories you have discussed. You can then write your memories up and frame them. You can do separate ones or one together. This is a great activity which brings fun into the room but also extremely touching for all who take part.
I hope this is ok and best of luck with the memory jar making.
Question from Devonbird04: My mil died of brain cancer in 2011. Our son was 17 months when this happened, we have photos of her around the house and visit her grave regularly. He remembers that nana was in a wheelchair ( every wheelchair he sees he looks in to check for nana)
We never told him she had died as he was too young, he has now started to ask to see her and go to her house. My husband explained that she is an angel but he is asking the why she is and how. We are finding this difficult to answer, what would you suggest?
Thank you for your time
[/quote] Hi there, thank you for your question. Your son at the stage in his grief where he needs to understand where his nana is. If his last memory is of nana being in a wheelchair that is probably why he associates everyone who is in a wheelchair could be his nana. Go with your beliefs in what happens when you die. He is probably asking how nana has become an angel. Talk to him about nana was very poorly and the doctors did everything they could to help nana to live. Because she was so poorly they weren’t able to and now nana is not in pain and is safe. It is important to use the word died as this will help him to understand that he won’t be able to see nana again.
If you believe that when you die you go to a special place, it might be useful to let him draw out that special place. By asking him questions like, what colour is it, what do you do there, is it light or dark can help him to put something down on paper. Let him know that how he sees this special place is what is important. This helps children to have something concrete to visualise of where their special person is. It can also be helpful for a child of this age to understand that when you die you don’t need your body any more. As you have spoken to him about nana being an angel, for your son, you can describe that it is what is inside you that becomes the angel. The Lonely Tree by Nicholas Halliday is a nice book to explain what happens when you die.
That’s all the questions that we have time for today so I’d like to thank Ann for her help and everyone who asked questions for sharing them with us.
We’ll be doing another Q&A session on “Coping with Bereavement” here on community in two weeks time (on the 24th, 25th and 26th of March). You can follow our Facebook page or Twitter account for a reminder of when it’ll be on.
If you’ve got any other questions or anything to share in the meantime please do start a new thread and our community will be happy to chat to you.
