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I’m not sure what I should write. My partner of 25 years was diagnosed about a month ago and we were told yesterday he probably only has a couple of weeks left to live at most.

We have two teenagers. I like gardening and rock music. And I’m very scared at the moment. My mum also died of cancer four years ago but it was nothing like this…

It’s a shame to meet new people under these circumstances. :frowning:

I also wanted to edit my post because it’s important to say there’s no financial safety net for me and the kids. I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to stay in this house as me and my partner aren’t married, my name’s not on the mortgage and we don’t even share a bank account. I’m in a very vulnerable position.

He was a (before he stopped drinking a few weeks ago) functioning alcoholic who never saw a doctor until it was too late. It’s a lot to process and I’m so sad to see him like this. The cancer spread from his liver to the lymph nodes, to his spine and I’m told today a little bit in his stomach? By the time he reached A&E two weeks ago, he’d lost the use of his legs and is now paralysed from the waist down. Our poor daughter’s sitting her exams at the moment - of course I’ve told the school.

I’m even afraid of losing our cat if we have to move. I’ve already started looking at Cats Protection in case the worst… becomes even worse.

I was told to take things one step at a time. Simple advice that’s helping to get me through for now.

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Hey LittleSparra,

Thank you so much for joining this Community. I am so sorry to hear that your partner has received a terminal diagnosis so soon after being diagnosed. You have also lost your mum and have two teenagers with you. It is natural to be scared in this situation. You also say that your family’s financial situation is likely going to be affected by this situation, including you, your teenagers, and perhaps your cat. It is very understandable that you are afraid, and I am very sorry that you are experiencing all of this.

Taking things one step at a time sounds like a good approach. You have already taken a positive step by looking for support and connection here. I hope other members of the Community will feel comfortable sharing their experiences with you.

In the meantime, I would like to take this opportunity to make you aware of a wealth of information that is available on the Marie Curie website. If you would like to read more about care options for your partner and the managing of symptoms, or questions around money and work, or getting support for yourself, there are a number of clearly written and informative starting points there. You could start with the information for those who care for someone with a terminal illness: Marie Curie information for carers

Also, if you would like to talk to a Marie Curie staff member on the Support Line, which can be called for free at 0800 090 2309, please do not hesitate to pick up the phone. You will have a friendly, informed person at the other end who can support you in the areas Marie Curie covers, or even point you in the right direction for anything that is beyond Marie Curie’s remit. The Support Line is available 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, and 10am to 4pm Saturday to Sunday. You can also email the team or book a call: Marie Curie Support Line Info

Please do not hesitate to write again here, too. This Community is a safe space for you to share your experiences and thoughts.

Take care,

Anke

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Thank you for that. I will investigate a bit further. I had some good news regarding my financial situation today but I’m still not entirely in a safe position. Still though, some weight has been lifted. My partner is currently waiting for a position in our hospice and I really hope he gets a place. He’s not entitled to it, but I feel with everything he’s been through lately… I would just like him to be comfortable. He talked about whether I’d be allowed to bring our cat for a visit and got quite tearful. I’d also like to bring him some flowers from the garden…

Thanks for taking the time to answer. It means a lot to so many people.

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I’m sure your local hospice will find a way to make it work. I was gobsmacked when they managed to make my brother well enough to watch a football match at the pub with our dad and also make it out for a chinese meal with the family and some friends that had travelled to see him. The nurses at the hospice are angels on earth! Me and my sis also had little babies when my brother went in and they were so accommodating. Sending you love!!

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Thank you, that makes me feel better.

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Hi, my husband is terminal too. It is so difficult isn’t it? Is there any way of getting some financial advice to make sure you are not homeless? I would imagine that the best thing would be for your partner to leave you the house in his will. Our house will come to me but it will be difficult for me to manage here as the garden is quite large and I have severe arthritis in my hands. I dread the though of moving house on top of everything else. I have been advised to not make any big decisions for at least six months after being bereaved.

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Hi Pat, something happened in my partner’s head and he’s thrown me a lifeline. Do you know what, he even said sorry for keeping me sidelined all these years.

Initially I tried CAB and Macmillan’s version of citizens advice - to be fair, they were helpful but it was difficult to follow up because things keep changing so fast.

Not that it’s my place to say but it does sound sensible to not make any big decisions until as you say, at least six months. Take care of yourself. :pink_heart:

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Hi LittleSparra,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through such a challenging time.
It sounds as though you have had a bit of positive news regarding your financial situation so I do hope things become more settled for you in this regard.
We do have a couple of Energy/Finance Officers on our Support Line so if you do think it would be helpful to speak to someone then do contact us on 0800 090 2309.

It must feel very overwhelming for all of you. We have a lot of content on our website around supporting children and young people and I am enclosing some links for you now:

How grief may affect children | Marie Curie
Supporting a child when someone is dying | Marie Curie
Supporting children when someone has a terminal illness
Supporting children and young people when someone dies
All of our content is grounded in lived experience and we collaborated with the children’s charity Winston’s Wish which has now merged with Child Bereavement UK- they have some amazing resources for children and teenagers:
Child Bereavement UK

I do hope this is helpful in some way.
Warmest wishes,
Laura

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Thanks Laura. I’ve read a lot of this already but there were some parts I hadn’t thought about.

I’m glad there’s been some respite on the financial side but I’m realising that only makes it partially easier.

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The change in personality and mood is a bit jarring. I’ve been with him 25 years, I like to think I know him better than anybody - I’m used to him snapping at me, but not other people.

I always felt very sheltered from my mum’s cancer. I used to sit with her at home in her final days… This is very different.

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Hello LittleSparra,

Thank you for joining our Online Community and for taking the time to share your experience.

I’m sorry to read about your partner’s recent diagnosis and all that you’re going through at the moment. I know it’s been a few days since you last posted, so I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing? I also wanted to let you know that we have some information on our website about what to expect in the last weeks of someone’s life, which you may find helpful: What to expect in the last weeks of life | Marie Curie. I’ll also ask our Information and Support Nurse to reply to your post.

Take good care, and please know we’re here for you on our Online Community :yellow_heart:

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Thank you @redkite and @Patp for sharing your experience with @LittleSparra.

@redkite, it’s heartwarming to hear that the hospice was so accommodating to you and your family.

@Patp, we’re sorry to read about your husband’s diagnosis and all that you’re going through. Please know that we’re here for you on the Online Community as often as you need us :yellow_heart:

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Hi LittleSparra

My name is Marla; I am a nurse on the Information and Support Line. I am so sorry to hear you, and your family are going through such a difficult time, it must be incredibly tough for you all.

There may be many reasons that are contributing to your husband’s mood and personality changes, have you spoken to a medical professional about your concerns, this may be helpful and could help to rule out any reversible causes? Symptom control, is your husband struggling with any physical symptoms? Is he feeling comfortable physically? Reaching out to the GP or specialist nurse (if there is one involved) may help to have any unmanaged symptoms such as pain, nausea, vomiting, constipation etc. reviewed so you can ensure he is as comfortable as possible.

Other things to consider may include things such as loss of independence, autonomy and control, this can and does sometimes have a huge impact on emotional wellbeing for some in my experience. It can bring feelings such as anger, frustration, sadness, helplessness, fear and even isolation to the surface despite having people who care for and love them around them.

Whilst these emotions can be difficult to experience and observe they can be a normal response to those who have a terminal illness. Have you or your husband been able to reach out for some emotional support either from the GP, specialist nurse or your local hospice? The GP can offer or signpost for support, some hospices have Patient and Family Support Teams that can support your husband and your family with emotional support and conversations that may help with emotional distress (if there is any). It may be something to consider if it might be helpful. They can sometimes offer alternative therapies such as reflexology, massage, acupuncture etc.

Have you been able to have any conversations with your husband about how he is feeling? Whilst these conversations can feel uncomfortable and be difficult to navigate, they can also help to ease some worries/concerns, plan and put things in place as your husband becomes less well and might not be able to communicate his wishes at that time. This is sometimes called Advance Care Planning (ACP).

Below I have attached some links that you may find helpful to explore. You can also contact us here on the Information and Support Line for a safe space to talk about how you are feeling or to ask questions. Tel: 0800 090 2309. I hope you find this reply helpful, take care.

Planning for end of life | Get started with planning ahead | Marie Curie

Information and support for carers | Marie Curie

Complementary therapies for terminal illness | Marie Curie

When someone is in denial | Marie Curie | Marie Curie

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Hi Bonnie. I’ve been staying at the hospital since Thursday. The palliative team didn’t think he’d make it past our daughter’s last exam which is today. The last couple of days he hasn’t eaten and hasn’t been able to talk much. I understood the occasional “I love you more” said to me and the kids but otherwise, haven’t really been able to communicate with him.

The palliative team came in today and told me with a tilted head and a soft voice that I should go home, the implication being that perhaps he feels he can’t let go. (I even told him he should go when he was ready because I remember my mum saying she said the same thing to her dad).

So anyway, I’m home now awaiting terrible news this evening. If no news, me and the kids will sit with him for a couple of hours tomorrow.

We had a speedy wedding at the hospital, but don’t ask me what day that was because I can’t flipping remember!! Somewhere in between all that, it was my birthday apparently.

His mum was also hospitalised yesterday with a broken hip so, hey at least it was easy for me to pay her a visit.

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Hi LittleSparra,

Thank you so much for keeping in touch. How did last night go? Were you able to get some sleep?

Lovely to hear that you and your partner have been able to get married and I hope you were able to find some moments of joy within the day.

It sounds as though you have so much going on. I hope your daughters last exam went okay. I appreciate you are looking after a lot of people- do you have anyone outside of the family such as friends that you feel able to turn to for support?

We will be thinking of you today and please know we are always here.

Warmest wishes,

Laura

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Thanks Laura. He passed away around 8pm tonight. The hospital called me back around 7:30am this morning and I decided to go home about 7pm as he seemed stable with no change. Not long after, I got the dreaded phone call.

I suspect I’ll probably stick around this forum. It was all pretty traumatic. My head’s still spinning. I’ve been married and widowed in the space of a week. It was upsetting to see him; he looked very sick, almost unrecognisable, and it all happened so quickly.

Besides that, I’ve seen people disappear from this forum and I wonder what happened to them and whether they’re ok myself.

Thanks everyone for the support so far.

I just can’t believe it. 25 years and then gone in a matter of weeks.

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Hi LittleSparra,

I’m so very sorry to hear of your husbands death. It is completely understandable that your head is spinning. You have been through so much in a very short space of time.

It must feel unbelievable at the moment. You would be so welcome to stay on the forum, we are here to support you moving forward and would love to hear how you are doing.

We also have our Support Line 0800 090 2309 which is open 8am-6pm Monday-Friday and 10am-4pm Saturday and Sunday.

If, in the future you feel you would benefit from our Bereavement Support (6 telephone sessions with a trained volunteer) then you can ring the Support Line and they will book you in for a chat with the team.

I appreciate that you must have so much going on at the moment and things may well feel very overwhelming but I just wanted to make you aware what support is on offer if you feel it is something you would like to access in the future.

Do you and the children have support around you now?

We are thinking of you and are here for you.

Take care,

Laura

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The kids keep saying they don’t want to talk to a bereavement councillor, but I think they’re going to find it extremely hard to process going forward. I myself have a follow up appointment with the GP as I prepared myself already. I’m also aware of your bereavement support sessions, which I will take advantage of in the not too distant future. Thanks. Thanks for the kind words.

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Thanks so much for this LittleSparra,

I’m really glad to hear that you have an appointment with your GP.

It sounds as though you are having open and honest conversations with the children and that will help you all I’m sure. They may feel differently about bereavement support as time goes on and by going to the GP etc you are role modelling getting support and looking after yourself so hopefully this will help them too.

Warmest wishes,
Laura

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Good morning LittleSparra

Firstly, may I offer my sincere condolences following your Husband`s passing. I cannot begin to imagine the emotional rollercoaster you have been on for so long, whilst caring for your teenage children and navigating a path through all the trauma of holding everything together. I am so very glad however, to hear that you had the opportunity to tie the knot whilst Hubby was able. Of little consolation right now I`m sure, but in the coming weeks and beyond you will have the opportunity to reflect and draw comfort from knowing you were finally “together” in matrimony. You are a very brave and courageous lady and stronger than you know. Please do feel free to keep in touch with our Community and let us know how you are doing. Making use of our Bereavement Support service and and when you feel the time is right will also help you through this difficult time. Thinking of you.

Yvonne1

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