Hi hi. New here and I just wanted to know if it’s normal to still be badly struggling almost a year later after losing a loved one? I don’t mean in the sense of “I still really miss them” either, it’s like I’m still stuck in the “this can’t be real” phase, like surely I’ll wake up at some point and they will come home and everything will all be ok again. I just can’t accept that this is permanent, it makes no sense. It’s essentially broken my entire view of the world and I can’t understand the universe’s logic in taking away my Dad. He wasn’t hurting anybody by existing, he was the best person I’ve ever known and now he’s just gone? I legitimately can’t imagine this being my reality, not permanently. Almost a year on and I’m still breaking down in tears randomly and getting upset if anything reminds me of him. I thought I’d be sort of ok at this point but I’m really not. I think the only reason I’m still here is because I’ve latched onto the idea that somehow this can be undone and I can have my Dad back at some point. Has anyone else on here been in this position mentally? I’m starting to think that maybe I’m just in a simulation; things would make a bit more sense if that’s true.
Hi Pogs,
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It sounds as though you loved your dad very much and it is completely understandable that you would still be missing him and struggling to process his death after this time.
Can I ask if you have received any support since his death? We really appreciate you reaching out to us here and we do have our Support Line that is open 7 days a week if you would like to speak to someone on the phone for emotional support. The number is 0800 090 2309 and lines are open 7 days a week: 8am-6pm Monday-Friday and 10am-4pm Saturday and Sunday.
In your post you mention ‘the only reason I’m still here’ please can I just check that you feel safe within yourself? Do you have any plans to harm yourself or end your life? If you feel unsafe in this way then we would encourage you to get help by going to your local GP or A & E, ringing NHS 111. The Samaritans are also open 24/7 on their freephone number 116123.
From what you say some of your emotions sound big and I imagine must feel quite scary too, but please be reassured that struggling to process or accept the death of a loved one is both understandable and natural.
I hope that helps and please know that you are always welcome to share your feelings on here with us.
Warmest wishes,
Laura (member of Marie Curie Information and Support)
Good morning Pogs
I am so very glad that you have reached out to our Forum and have shared your thoughts and feelings following the sad passing of your dear Dad. Its very clear just how much you loved and cared for him, and how hard you are finding things without him. Your feelings are totally understandable and believe it or not, quite normal. When your life goes through such a dramatic change its only time that can bring things back into perspective and begin to look forward and how things are and will be now. Grief does not come with a rule book sadly and each and every person will deal with the loss in their own way. I too lost my dead Dad some years ago, albeit in different circumstances as it was sudden and without notice, but the loss was just as devastating. Laura`s response to you I am sure will have reassured you that you are not alone and we are here to “listen” whenever you feel the need, together with our Information & Support line if you feel this would also help. Please do keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Yvonne1
Hi Laura, thanks for the reply.
In terms of support I’ve talked to my GP many times, mostly about intrusive thoughts, which resulted in my medications being increased to the maximum allowed dosages; mainly anti-depressants and beta blockers. It seems to have helped at least a little and I haven’t had those types of thoughts since around February this year. My doctor also gave me a number to call just in case I fall back into that mind-set, but no, I have no plans to harm myself. It’s nice to know that still struggling to accept it after so long isn’t out of the ordinary at least. I guess I just thought that I would be in a better place mentally by now. The whole situation still seems absurd, like a really long nightmare. I may call the support line if things don’t improve soon, I just don’t deal well with phone calls in general unfortunately, especially lately. Thanks again for the advice and reassurance, I genuinely appreciate it.
Hi Yvonne and thanks for the reply.
It really is helpful to know that this is kind of normal, I was really starting to question my sanity due to how little sense it makes in my own head. I’ve experienced loss in the past but never anything like this. We knew it was coming and I thought I’d built myself up ready for it but it didn’t help at all, it just made it more of a shock when it eventually happened and I realised how not ready I really was. I think it’s gonna be a long time before I can truly accept that this is just how it is, hopefully with enough time I’ll eventually reach that point. Also, even if it happened a while ago, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your Dad too. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, both yours and Laura’s reply have helped me, I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind now at least.
Hi Pogs, thanks so much for your message.
I’m really glad to hear that you have support from your GP and that you are no longer having intrusive thoughts and that you feel safe in yourself. It sounds as though you know how to reach out if you need to.
It is completely understandable that you would have hoped, as you say, to be in a better place by now. I think there can be a lot of pressure to feel a certain way after someone dies or to feel okay after a certain time frame and as as Yvonne says this just isn’t true. It’s also natural to want to feel better as those feelings of overwhelming grief and devastation can be so hard to deal with.
I’m sharing a video here in the hope it may be helpful- it’s called ‘Why Grief Is Not Something To Get Over’.
Why grief is not something you have to 'get over' - BBC News
You are always welcome to ring our Support Line but if you find it hard speaking on the telephone then please do continue to post here if you find that helps.
Warmest wishes,
Laura (member of Marie Curie Information and Support Team)
Hi Laura,
Just finished watching the video you linked to, was really helpful, and sort of comforting too. I had already been struggling with crippling anxiety as well as pretty severe depression before my Dad got sick, so when he died it pretty much just finished me off. From watching that video it sounds like I might be dealing with a sort of complicated grief, which makes a lot more sense. Regardless of what it is I don’t think I’ll ever view life the same way as before, it’s just really unfair.
Thanks again for all your help, I don’t feel as lost as I did a few days ago; hopefully I can maintain the mind-set I have at the moment and things will just gradually get easier.
Thank you.
Hi Pogs,
Thank you so much for this.
I’m so pleased that the video was helpful and that you found it reassuring.
It may be worth mentioning your thoughts around complicated grief to your GP if you feel comfortable to do so.
I’m really glad that you are feeling a bit better. You are always welcome to contact us here. We understand that grief isn’t linear so do be kind to yourself.
Warmest wishes,
Laura (member of Marie Curie Information and Support)