That’s very kind of you. I think I’m still in fight or flight mode at the moment as I still have all the finances and funeral arrangements to worry about.
I don’t think anyone can really help me with this, I’m just venting, but I cannot do all the things I have to do like sorting out the finances, sorting out the funeral, my daughter’s education, the mortgage - there’s a reason I was dependent on him in the first place. His family are acting like if they just bark information at me, I can pull all this together.
I’m so frustrated because around about the time of his diagnosis, I tried to get an appointment to talk to a doctor about anxiety. They told me to forget about it for now and focus on grief counselling. Now as I say, everyone’s acting like I can pull all this together - and quickly! Because these are all urgent matters; education/funeral/money to pay for funeral/keeping a roof over our heads, sorting out his car (I don’t even drive myself)… And this sounds irrelevant but it’s not… I’ve been told through both adulthood and childhood that I’m stupid or pretending to be stupid. I wish people understood that when I say I struggle, I mean I struggle. 
I also want to talk to someone about how much he suffered. But I don’t even know where I’m supposed to find the time to make such appointments when I have to deal with solicitors and the job centre and funeral directors…
Hi LittleSparra
I am so so sorry to hear of your husband’s death, you and your family have had and are having such and incredibly difficult and emotional time. I would just like to reiterate what Laura has said previously about contacting our Information and Support Line for a safe space to talk or ask questions.
You also mentioned talking to someone about your husbands suffering, please do call us on the Information and Support Line on 0800 090 2309. The support line officers can book you a call back with me to talk through the struggles you all went through and observed, if you feel this might be helpful? You can do this when you feel you have the capacity and space to do so. Please take care.
Marla
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Hello LittleSparra,
We’re sorry to read that your husband passed away and all you’re going through as a family.
After someone dies, it can feel overwhelming. Alongside grieving, there are often many practical things that need to be done. Our What to do when someone dies checklist | Marie Curie may help, and we also have information on How to arrange a funeral | Marie Curie if that would be useful. If you have any questions or would like to talk any of this through, please know we’re here for you.
As Laura, Yvonne and Marla have said, you’re very welcome to continue posting on our Online Community – we’re here for you as long as you need us 
Take good care,
Bonnie
Thanks. I think I was having an off-day. My mum was a single mum and she managed, so I guess I can too. It’s just a bit of a learning curve at the moment.
I have to ring all the utilities later, which I’m dreading, but I have to do it, so.
To be fair, I’ve started to make funeral arrangements and I got his death certificate, so maybe I’m not as incapable as I think.
As I’m starting to slowly unpick these things and relax a little bit more, it makes more space in my head to think about him.
Hi LittleSparra,
Thanks so much for the update and it sounds as though you have achieved a lot in the last couple of days. You don’t sound incapable- far from it in fact- please be kind to yourself. You have been through so much and have so much to deal with.
I don’t know if it is useful but there is a service called Tell Us Once which you may find useful: What to do after someone dies: Tell Us Once - GOV.UK
As you say it is a huge learning curve and there is so much to process and to do.
Do you and the children have any support around you?
Please always feel free to post on here or ring our Support Line. We will do our best to support you in any way we can.
Take care,
Laura
Thanks Laura. Yes, there’s a lot going on at the moment for everybody. The rest of my partner (now husband)'s family are worried about his mum who was hospitalised and deteriorating, and then my mum’s-partner’s-mum died two days after my husband. So everyone’s going through it and we’re all trying to help each other out at the moment.
We’re sorry to read about all you and your family are going through at the moment, LittleSparra.
It’s heartwarming to hear that you’re all trying to help each other, please know that we’re here to help you all too if you need us.
Take good care
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Hello, just checking in.
We had his funeral on Friday and I think it went smoothly. His mum’s still in hospital and is now in worse condition than she went in. I have to go to another funeral in a couple of hours so I’m procrastinating at the moment. The kids seem to be alright but I don’t know how their dad’s death will affect them later on. Maybe they’ll be ok, perhaps I shouldn’t concern myself about it while they seem to be/and say they’re alright.
Think I’ve had my first taste of widow life as my neighbours have decided to start making complaints about our cat. I know she has a phobia of cats but I didn’t think too much of it other than ‘can’t be very nice for her because we live in the suburbs’ and then never thought any more about it. The day after his funeral the husband came round to “bring it to my attention” that she had been messing in their garden, so I’ve ordered them some lion scat as a gift and a peace offering and given them permission to squirt her with the hose if they want. But I feel like they weren’t open to my apologies and suggestions so we’ll see how that goes.
There’s other little things niggling away at me but I’ll just have to accept that’s life and people for you.
Still got a load of practical things to sort out which makes me nervous but I am getting help with that.
Hope all the admin are doing well, thanks for always listening.
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Hello again, LittleSparra,
Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. You have experienced so much in the past few weeks, and since your partner’s mum is in hospital and not doing well, and you had a further funeral to attend, it sounds like you still have a lot on your plate. Being a widow now and with the funeral done, your thoughts naturally turn to the future as well as the past. It is understandable that interactions with others like those you describe are upsetting or niggling away at you.
I am glad that you continue to consider this forum a safe space for you to share your thoughts. This is what the Marie Curie Online Community is here for, and you are welcome to continue to post here whenever you feel you would like to do so.
With regard to your children, may I ask how old they are (young, teenagers, young adults, or other age group)? There are a number of sources of information that you, and potentially they, can access if you would find this helpful. We can point you in the right direction if you like.
Please also remember to continue to be kind to yourself and look after yourself. You have navigated a lot in the recent period, and you have shown much resilience, and the process of navigating your new situation will continue. You may find this information helpful: Looking after yourself when you’re grieving.
You are also, as always, welcome to contact Marie Curie on the telephone support line, which is available 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, and 10am to 4pm Saturday to Sunday. You can also email the team or book a call: Marie Curie Support Line Info. The friendly Support Line staff can also provide you with information on grief support and resources.
Take good care,
Anke
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I have a 19 year old son who’s completely dependent on me who I’ve always suspected might be on the autism/adhd spectrum and a 16 year old daughter who can be a little lazy but otherwise open, friendly and independent. 
My son’s currently waiting on me to update his passport so he can claim Universal Credit at the Job Centre but it’s money I just don’t have at the moment. It’s such a complicated mess.
As far as emotional wellbeing - my daughter said her dad looked sick on the picture I chose for the cover of his Order of Service, my son said I should’ve died instead of his dad. But whatever, he’s always said stuff like that. I can’t say it’s an upset from the norm.
Thank you for telling us more, LittleSparra. It sounds like you and your children are continuing to deal with the consequences of your partner’s death, each in their own way. I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel right now. We often hear that family members react in different ways following the death of a loved one, across the range of emotions, including those that then hurt others. That is a very common experience.
You mentioned earlier that you had signalled to your kids that you are concerned about their wellbeing. You may also have shown to them that you are there for them if they would like to turn to you for support. Do you have someone you can meet to be with, go for a walk, or talk?
If you or your son would like to talk to someone, perhaps the Marie Curie bereavement service would be something you or he would like to investigate? It is a free telephone listening service which matches you with a volunteer who is available once a week for a call. More information is available here: Marie Curie Bereavement Support
Since your daughter is not yet 18, support for her would be found elsewhere. The Marie Curie Support Line may be able to point you in the right direction in this regard.
Of course, please feel free to check in here and tell us more about how you are doing.
Take good care,
Anke
Thanks Daffodil. I was about to delete my post as it seemed unfair and a bit irrelevant. He’s said worse things to me than “it should’ve been me” instead of his dad. He was just being a bit of a jerk because I told him I don’t want him cooking instant noodles at midnight as it disrupts my sleep.
Yeah, I have other people I can meet with - actually I met another widow by complete random chance at the park a few days after my husband was diagnosed. So I go round and see her every few weeks. Another woman as well who’s son has aspergers and she’s the only one who seems to recognise my son’s rituals and mood swings (although I haven’t seen her for a bit but she was the first person to come out when I said my husband had cancer) Honestly there’s plenty of people I can talk to but not many who understand the challenges I’ve had with him throughout the years - the solution to them is always to be stricter. They don’t really get it. But he has like OCD issues and then anxiety as well… he hones in on tiny noises that no one else can hear… he’s scared of flames from incense, matches, the old cooker, going outside, dogs, used to be scared of water and we couldn’t get him to bathe… he won’t go to a doctor, I’ve tried for many years to persuade him to talk to either the school (when he was at school and when he showed up) or talk to a counsellor about various things but he won’t. I spoke to the school once and they said the only odd thing they noticed about his behaviour was that he insisted on wearing a mask long after covid. He went through another phase where I wasn’t allowed to put his dinner plate on the counter because the bottom of his plate couldn’t touch anything…
Saying all that, as long as I don’t ask him to do anything/or not do anything, everything’s fine. lol We all talk openly about things his dad used to do that we found funny, we’ve talked about how sudden it all was, I’ve asked them specifically if they’ve been able to get their head around it all (because I haven’t) nothing’s really changed in this household. It’s all the same but -1 and a bit more stress for me.
I don’t really know where I’d get help for him because whatever help there is, he would have to be involved, but he won’t. Just says everything’s my fault, his sister’s fault, his grandparent’s fault, his teacher’s fault etc… I fear he’s going to get the shock of his life when he goes out into the real world, which he will inevitably have to do at some point.
I keep putting off seeing a councillor for myself because, well for one thing it’s just another appointment/thing to sort out, but also I think I’m alright? The only thing really I should talk about was seeing him suffer. What if a councillor unlocks something in me and I fall apart?
Edit: Cor that was a lengthy post, sorry.
LittleSparra, we are glad to hear that you are able to talk to others, even if their background or challenges differ from yours. It can be difficult when others do not quite understand one’s own challenges, though. This forum will continue to be a safe space for you to write whenever, and at whatever length, you like.
From what you write, it very much sounds like support for your son - general, rather than for the bereavement - is something that requires specialists in the field.
If you think you might benefit from talking to someone yourself, there are gentle steps you can take in that direction, whether it is a councillor or some other support. Do you know where you can access this support when you feel ready?
Take good care,
Anke
Yeah I know where to access support for bereavement, I’ve been bombarded with information. I have emails and booklets for references. I don’t know quite what would be right for me yet but I can work it out.
And actually I appreciate that you recognise my general grievances because I’ve noticed grief and bereavement is always at the forefront of the conversation and everything else gets sidelined.
Thanks again Anke
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