Losing a family member is hard on everyone, it can be especially difficult to help children manage their grief particularly if you’re a parent dealing with your own or if you need to support a grieving parent. If you or someone you’re close to has lost someone to a terminal illness, we’re here to support you.
Cruse Bereavement Care will be answering your questions on Wednesday 2nd September between 2pm and 3:30pm. You can start posting them now and they’ll answer them when they’re online. Just scroll down to read their answers.
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With over 50 years’ experience Cruse Bereavement Care is the leading national charity providing bereavement support services in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Cruse offers support, advice and information to children, young people and adults when someone dies and works to enhance society’s care of bereaved people
Cruse offers face-to-face, telephone and email support with a national helpline and local services and a website and Freephone helpline for children and young people (Hope Again). The services are provided by trained volunteers and are confidential and free. Cruse also runs specialist projects some in partnership with other charities.
I really want to know how i can recover with my family from our bad times, We lost my father two years ago and last year we lost we my brother from brain cancer.
My mum cared for both my father and my brother and we helped but she was caring most of the time and now she just feels lost and really so do i.
I just don’t know how we can all bounce back again its like we are robots just dong the daily chores, I miss them so much it psychically hurts.
I really want to know how i can recover with my family from our bad times, We lost my father two years ago and last year we lost we my brother from brain cancer.
My mum cared for both my father and my brother and we helped but she was caring most of the time and now she just feels lost and really so do i.
I just don’t know how we can all bounce back again its like we are robots just dong the daily chores, I miss them so much it psychically hurts.
Thanks
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Hello,
I am so sorry for the loss of both your father and your brother within the last two years. You and your Mum have experienced two hugely significant losses in such a short time and this will have a big impact on your sense of yourself and the world.
As a carer for your father and brother, your Mum may also feel that she has lost some sense of purpose. It sounds like you share this sense of feeling lost and without hope or motivation. This is a very normal feeling following bereavement and is not something that you or your Mum have to deal with alone. You may find it helpful to talk through your feelings and memories of your Dad and your brother with a bereavement counsellor. Often within families, different people need different things so you may find that you and your Mum will find different things helpful in working through your grief. It is important that you give yourselves and each other space to express your feelings in the way that feels right for you.
Although your loss is shared, the way you and your Mum respond to it is personal to each of you. It may be helpful to spend some time reconnecting with the things that make you feel positive about life and boost your self-esteem. Some people find spending time with friends, getting out into nature, taking up a new hobby or simply spending time focusing on yourself are ways of starting to feel hopeful for the future.
You mention that you feel physical pain when thinking about the loss of your Dad and brother and this is another very common experience following bereavement. You may find that talking to someone about all your feelings and memories starts to reduce the pain. If you find that you are having trouble eating or sleeping, you may want to consider visiting your GP who may be able to offer you some support.
I wish you and your Mum all the best for the future. Remember to be kind and allow yourselves the time and space you need to grieve. It can be a long and painful process but you do not have to go through it alone.
Despite having lost both my parents, one this year, I don’t know how to open up conversations when I see my family or friends trying to cope with their grief.
Once I’ve said: 'How are you feeling today?" I don’t know what to ask to keep the conversation going, particularly when we talk regularly. Sometimes I think they would like to talk but aren’t sure how to keep the conversation going either. Most of us are useless at talking about death and grief.
I had some Cruse counselling several years ago and it was absolutely brilliant. I always recommend it to other people.
Despite having lost both my parents, one this year, I don’t know how to open up conversations when I see my family or friends trying to cope with their grief.
Once I’ve said: 'How are you feeling today?" I don’t know what to ask to keep the conversation going, particularly when we talk regularly. Sometimes I think they would like to talk but aren’t sure how to keep the conversation going either. Most of us are useless at talking about death and grief.
I had some Cruse counselling several years ago and it was absolutely brilliant. I always recommend it to other people.
Sally
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Hello Sally,
Thank you for sharing your positive experience of support with Cruse Bereavement Care.
I agree talking about death is something many people find very difficult and often avoid altogether.
Many people find it very helpful to talk about what has happened, to share memories about their relationship with the person that has died and how they feel. This can be an important part of the healing process. Who you talk to will depend on you. It may be your family, friends, GP or a professional organisation that provide trained people to support you through your grief like Cruse.
It can be very difficult to know what to say to a person who is grieving and one might worry about saying the wrong thing. However it’s better to say something than nothing. The most important aspect of being with somebody who is grieving is your presence and willingness to listen when they are ready to talk. Sometimes people may want to talk but other days not…. opening the door and letting someone know that you are there for them as and when they need you can reduce feelings of isolation.
As part of its new ‘Being there’ bereavement campaign Dying Matters has produced a new leaflet, also called ‘Being there’ which has suggestions of things to say and do – and not say and do – when someone has been bereaved, all of which are based on bereaved people’s own experiences. This is available to download for free at www.dyingmatters.org and hard copies are available to order.
It’s also worth looking at the Cruse Bereavement Care website where you can access a raft of information free of charge.
‘I just don’t know how we can all bounce back again its like we are robots just dong the daily chores, I miss them so much it psychically hurts.’
I don’t have an answer to this - I see earlier posters have made some suggestions - but we are definitely NOT robots. It affects most people when a loved-one dies, and losing 2 loved ones is obviously worse. I’m not sure, myself, whether you should try to force yourself out of what you described - what I would call ‘a deeply numbed state following bereavement’ or whether you should just wait until something improves. I don’t think that most people ever get back to ‘where they were before’ but I think that most people will ‘get to somewhere ‘a bit more normal’’ over time, although that could be a couple of years or more.
I don’t think it is unusual to be deeply affected by death, and I’m not sure that trying to be ‘falsely positive’ is a good thing - it is not a nice thing to go through, when someone you deeply care about dies,
Hi my 6 year old son lost his daddyafter a short fight against cancer it was so fast. He was my ex partner who see his son every week without fail and had him pretty much when he wanted as we had a good relationship to do so.he was diagnosed in June 16 and passed away on the 1st Sept 16. I thought my son was doing ok wanting to visit his grave wrote him letters that he posted but I put in a jar on his grave. The tears had stopped after a few weeks which was weird as they were so close. One day at school he said to his teacher that after school he was going to climb out of his bedroom window jump off my roof just to be with daddy. I’m not sure if that was my fail as I’ve said daddy is now in a happy place pain free and enjoying himself. His certainly not scared of dying as he does mention he cant wait to die to see daddy again. I’m devastated to say the least as I’m have no idea what to do. His on a list. For counselling but he seems ok considering but I’m really not sure. He asks to visit his grave weekly and he talks to him as I his still here. I have to hold back the tears as I’m still trying to deal with my son losing his daddy as I never pictured it to be so soon. Its heartbreaking to hear him quite happily to say he wants to die to see daddy again. I’ve said daddy doesn’t want you to go to heaven not. Just yet but his response is doesn’t daddy want to see me.. Not sure if I’m telling him the right things or making him want to leave me. I’m in need of some help please x
I’m not qualified to say anything useful and I don’t have children but I think your son’s grief is too much for you to deal with alone.
I would start by pressing for that counselling to come as quickly as possible, (do tell them what your son has said about jumping out of the window if you haven’t already).
Perhaps in the meantime you could read some children’s books about bereavement together or ask his dad’s friends to take him out without you and talk about their memories of his dad and tell him they miss him so that it gives him the chance to talk without upsetting you. You may have already done all of that.
And I personally think it wouldn’t hurt for him to see you upset occasionally - tears are normal, even if yours have a slightly different reason they all come from the same loss. You’ll know better than me if that feels okay.
I’ve heard good things about the Cheltenham-based charity Winston’s Wish which specialises in child bereavement. https://www.winstonswish.org.uk/ Support line 08088 020 021
My dad died when I was 41 and I had no idea how to cope with the devastation I felt. Most people would have thought that I seemed okay because I didn’t know how to express my feelings. Your son is so little, how could he do what an adult struggled with? You’ve done the right thing asking for professional counselling.
Make sure you get support for yourself too, lean on your friends even if they’ve heard it all before, join child bereavement groups. I hope you get help soon. Look after yourself.