Please help

General chat
1

How to deal with the feelings of seeing your loved one nearing the end of their lives on their deathbed?

Sorry English is not my first language and I would like to keep things private

2

Dear kaka,

Thank you so much for signing up for the Marie Curie Online Community and asking for support. It sounds like you are accompanying someone during the final phase of their life? It is natural to experience some, or many, feelings during this period. This is an exceptional time, which many people find emotionally difficult.

I understand that you would like to preserve your and your loved one’s privacy, so you do not need to answer these questions in the Community. But I am wondering whether you have some support at hand? This could be a friend or family member you feel comfortable talking to, or someone who can help with the practical tasks of looking after yourself as well as the person who is nearing the end of their life? Do you feel you can take breaks and do something for yourself, even if it is just a short walk or an early night? Many people in your situation find these moments very helpful.

I also wonder whether you would like to know more about what may happen in the final weeks and day’s of your loved one’s life? This is one thing that has helped me in the past. If that is something you would like to explore, there are resources on the Marie Curie website under the heading ‘What to expect at the end of life’ here: Information on the end of life.

Finally, I understand that English is not your first language. Would you perhaps like to talk to someone on the phone? If you call the Marie Curie Support Line, someone will be able to talk to you in one of more than 200 languages. The Support Line is open 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, and 10am to 4pm Saturday to Sunday, and the free number to call is 0800 090 2309.

I also hope that others will share their experiences here. Please feel free to write again any time you like.

Take care,

:yellow_heart: Anke

1 Like
3

Hello Kaka,

I was with both my husband and my mum when they were on their deathbeds so I understand fully how difficult your situation is and I can only tell you of my personal experience.

I experienced grief long before the actual deaths of both my loved ones although I didn’t realise it at the time. I also felt numb but tried to accept what was happening. I cried in my private moments, often in the shower where I let my tears be washed away by the water and found it hard not to think about the time when they wouldn’t be here. Talk to your loved one and if they’re at home, play their favourite music, have the lights low in the evening, hold their hand and most of all, tell them that you love them. All these little things will help bring some comfort to both you and them.

There is no doubt that it’s a very difficult, distressing, emotionally exhausting time and you will experience lots of different emotions but try to find respite for yourself, even if it’s going for a walk for 10 minutes or a quite cup of tea/coffee somewhere. Don’t forget to make some time for you and your well-being.

It’s very painful to watch your loved one grow weaker, smaller and basically disappear in front of your eyes and there is no easy way to deal with it but I tried to console myself with the fact that it was peaceful, without pain and they were, I believe, going to a much better place.

I hope this helps you a little.

My thoughts are with you.

2 Likes
4

while technically its a very natural part of life it also just feels so wrong. I was there while my brother died and me and my family all coped so differently. My sister wanted to talk, i wanted to hide and cry other family members stayed busy. I would just say that no one way is the right way and how you deal with it is really personal to you. I found being around the nurses really comforting as it brought things down a bit as they are around this all the time. My parents accessed therapy through the hospice after. sending love x

1 Like
5

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Seeing someone you love in that situation is one of the hardest things anyone can face.

It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, or even numb. There is no right or wrong way to feel right now. Sometimes just being there with them, holding their hand, talking softly, or sitting in silence can mean a lot.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to “handle it” perfectly. These moments are heavy, and it’s okay to cry and let your emotions come out.

Please also take care of yourself and talk to someone you trust if you can. You do not have to carry this alone.

1 Like
6

Hello kaka,

Thank you for joining our Online Community. It’s completely normal to have questions during this difficult time. Hopefully hearing Anke, FiFox, Redkite and Tauqirashraf thoughts and experiences have been helpful for you to read.

If you feel comfortable, you’re welcome to continue speaking to us here. As Anke mentioned, we also use Language Line on our Support Line, where we can connect to an interpreter in over 200 different languages. If this would be helpful for you please call our Support Line on 0800 090 2309.

Take care,

Bonnie

7

@Daffodil, @FiFox, @redkite and @tauqirashraf thank you ever so much for taking the time to share your experience and kind words with @kaka :yellow_heart:

1 Like