My partner died from lung, kidney & brain cancer on the 1st July 2018 & this is my first attempt at reaching out to someone as I am not feeling that I am coping very well. I was with him in hospital for 8 or 10 hours every day before he died & I was there at the end with my step daughter.
I had never even seen anyone die before even though I am 67, but I am struggling with memories before his hospital stay & the end.
If I talk to anyone I start to cry (I am crying now) and i feel already that I am becoming a bore to my 2 step daughters & my friends I used to work with.
I am not expecting any answers from anyone out there but the pain is so bad…I could talk for days!!
Thank you for reaching out to us and I am hoping that other members of the community will be able to offer support and share their experiences with you.
You loss is very recent and grief is a very personal journey, but it is very normal to feel like you are not coping and to be tearful. People often tell us that talking is very therapeutic, but many share the same concerns as yourself about friends and family. This is when the Support Line may be able to help you, we are here to offer emotional support and listening ear if you would like to talk to us.
Thank you Brigette as I thought no one would get back to me. I am trying to get on with my life but I will use the helpline now when I need to. Just been talking to a neighbour & that helped a bit, whilst walking the dog.
Subaru016, we are actively trying to find new ways to make this as much of a social space as it can be. If you have any ideas on how we could do this do feel free to share them with us. I am glad that you feel you would be able to contact us at the Support Line if you need to talk. Dogs can be a great source of comfort and motivation to get out and about. I often find dog walking a social activity because dogs never just pass one and another,and this can lead to conversations between the owners! What sort of dog do you have?
Tetley teabags! Wow, what a brilliant, unique name. Is he a brown tea colour by any chance? like a good strong brew? It is normal for pets to mourn as just like us they have deep attachments and emotional bonds. It’s heart-warming to read that together you are both adjusting. Try to be really kind to yourself and give both of you plenty of time to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to do this but it can be important to not try to rush your period of mourning.
Subaru016 I’ve just joined this forum. My husband died in March from oesophogus cancer. He was 61. We were married for 25 years and together 30. I am destroyed. I only go out to walk our doggy. I walk on a quite path away from people. My neighbours avoid me. I am alone all of the time. People visit for a while after he died ,then it is less and less. When people call they ask how I am doing, do I feel better. It’s only been 2 months. People say I have to begin a new life. I don’t want to. I want to continue with my old one. I don’t want anything new. My husband was the love of my life. We are not sociable people. We were together all of the time. Our little family. It was perfect. I can’t stop thinking about how ill he became in the end. It breaks my heart. He little face. Such a gentle and kind man. I think of things he said towards the end. He was so lovely. I stayed with him in hospice with our doggy. I can’t bear my life without him. I am crying as I am writing this. My heart goes out to you because I know what you are going through. You can write to me if you would like to. I wish I could help you. I wake up at night and realise he is gone and I go out of my mind with grief. I send you my thoughts. Prudence
Thank you for reaching out and joining our online community. We’re sorry to read about the recent death of your husband and how this is affecting you. It’s understandable that you’re missing him so much, especially after spending 30 years together.
Many people tell us that talking about how they’re feeling can be helpful, are you getting any support at the moment? Please may I ask, have you discussed how you’re feeling with your GP or any other professionals? Healthcare professionals can talk to you about what support services may be available in your local area. We also feature some information on our website about getting support that you may find helpful to take a look at here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grief-support .
You mentioned in your post that people are saying you have to begin a new life. We just want to reassure you that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s important that you do what you feel is right for you. Be kind to yourself as grief is a natural response to losing someone you care about. We feature some information on our website about looking after yourself that you may find helpful to take a look at if you wish to do so here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/looking-after-yourself .
You are welcome to speak to us here on the Support Line as little or as often as you like. While we’re not trained counsellors, we can offer emotional support and a listening ear. If you would like to continue to talk about how you’re feeling you can respond here on the community or you can contact us on Freephone 0800 090 2309 or via our webchat function here: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/marie-curie-support-line/using-online-chat .
We would also like to thank you for taking the time to share such kind words with Subaru016. Hopefully others here on the community will share with you what has helped them after the loss of a loved one.
Hello. I’ve not been on the forum for a while but I do think of you all. I’m still, after 20 months, struggling with the pronoun conundrum. I find myself saying we instead of I but have decided it doesn’t matter as in my heart I’m we. I did see a bereavement counsellor for a few months leading up to Christmas and found it quite helpful. He gave me some help with coping on very bad days and disipated the anger which I was feeling which I knew was detrimental to my health. No-one can tell you how to grieve as it is a very personal matter but I find that concentrating on happy memories rather than those that are not does help me. Remembering with joy does help. We had 40 years together (not all married) and there was a lot of joy. Some days are still hard but some are happy. I have spent today in my garden and that is where I feel close to him. I hear him telling me off for over-pruning and it does make me laugh. So the joyful memories are eventually there. They just need finding and it is not easy and takes time. Self care is an important part of grieving and I can do that in my garden even in the rain. Take care all of you. Marilyn