Hi I’m new here and trying to get my head around being told that my Dad has weeks to live. 5 weeks ago he was very active and caring for my mom who has dementia. The only problem he had was mild constipation. Fast track 5 weeks and he has been told he has bowel cancer which has literally spread everywhere.
I feel so lost now. He has gone from a talkative, social man to being very withdrawn. He can hardly move and I have been called over most days this week to get him out of bed because he can’t do it himself. I am not only exhausted by the travel each day as I don’t live close and carers are still being arranged to come in 4 times a day I believe.
I’m at the point I don’t know where to turn or what I need to do next. I’m extremely worried about leaving my parents on their own but I have my own two children to care for. My mom doesn’t understand what is happening and just emptying the dining room yesterday for a hospital bed ended with her extremely upset and shouting at me because I was ruining her home (everything that happens is constantly explained to her but she can’t retain the info).
I can’t sleep anymore (hence this is being written at 2.50am) worrying about how Dad will be the next day, will he have to go to a hospice and when will that be, where does mom go as she can’t be alone and selling their house when dad passes so that we can pay for her care. I have had to go on sick leave from work as I have a very stressful job which I also worry about.
Sorry for the rant, I’m just really struggling at the moment. I suffer from anxiety relating to illness anyway so this has increased massively.
Thank you so much for sharing with us and I’m so glad you have got in touch. There is no need to apologise at all, we are here to listen and support where we can.
It sounds as though you have so much going on right now. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad it must be such a lot to get your head around and it sounds as though he has changed a lot over the last few weeks and that this has been understandably both stressful and distressing for you.
It sounds as though you are doing your best to look after both your parents and I appreciate that it must be very challenging with your Mum not being able to understand what is going on. You mention living some distance away and having children to care for, it is completely understandable that this would be really exhausting for you.
From what you have said you have a lot of worries and concerns about what the future will hold which must feel very daunting and it is completely understandable that you would be feeling anxious at this time.
If you don’t mind me asking, have you had any support from services such as GP, district nurses, local hospice in terms of care and support for your Dad and your family in general?
Here at Marie Curie our Support Line is open 7 days a week from 8am-6pm Monday-Friday and 10am-4pm Saturday and Sunday. The team are extremely supportive and compassionate and we also have a registered nurse on there, Marla, who can offer guidance and reassurance if you felt that would be helpful.
We also have a Companion over the Phone listening service which could provide you with a regular opportunity to offload and chat with one of our trained volunteers. I am enclosing the link now in case it is helpful: Companion service | Marie Curie
There is no pressure to access telephone support if you feel this is not for you, we are always here on the Online Community for you to write and share how you are feeling.
Thank you for reaching out to our Online Community and sharing with us your current situation with regard to your dear Mum and Dad.
It is totally understandable as LauraMC1 says, that you are finding things very difficult and not able to sleep. You are being pulled in all sorts of directions with the burden of care falling firmly on your shoulders, as well as having a young family to care for.
When the diagnosis was given to your Dad, was there any form of treatment or perhaps palliative care offered. It sounds very much like you need some back up support from the professionals with regard to his needs going forward. Perhaps a conversation with Dad`s GP, explaining just what you are dealing with and getting a care plan in place. With regard to your dear Mum, and her diagnosis, is very stressing. I too care for my Mum in Law with Dementia and every day is a struggle as she can`t retain anything mentally and is permanently angry with me for doing what I do. Again, could there possibly be day centres or clubs she could attend to give you a break.
Please do feel free to share your thoughts anytime, meanwhile be kind to yourself and try and grab some “me” time when you can.