My mum died 4 weeks ago. Weve just had her funeral Tuesday. She’dalways been ill with copd all my life. The oxygen and her being extremely puffed was just normal. Im struggling and having severe panic attacks. I am an only child and have autism but inhave a husband and children. I keep.going over and over the fact I took her ice cream put them in freezer and had to go home to care for my daughter. Deep down I knew something wasnt right for a few days, she kept gazing at me. But her friends said she was really well. She text me and said she needed nurses. I feel like we called nurses and while we waited she was laughing and chatting. Then she had injections and it just spiralled to driver and then she was unconscious for 9 days and died. I want to go back and not do that. I know its stupid and she was in severe pain. Im worried i missed something, i should of stayed that day when I took her ice cream. I sat with her for hours. I went home on the Saturday morning as I was exhausted. She died 2 mins after I left. We spoke and text numerous times a day always. Did she not tell me how bad she was as she didn’t want me worrying. Im so lost and scared and sad.
Dear Wendy,
We are very sorry to hear about your mum’s recent death and that you are struggling following her funeral. You are clearly missing your mum very much. It sounds like shift from her being ill - which was normal - to her dying shortly after you had seen her came as a great shock. It is natural that you are feeling out of sorts at this point. Thank you for reaching out here in spite of having panic attacks. This community is here for you, and I hope that other users will feel comfortable sending you support and maybe sharing their own experiences.
Dealing with grief can be overwhelming, and many people who contact Marie Curie find it useful to read more about grief and ways of taking things one day at a time useful. You could perhaps start here: Grieving Your Own Way Information
If you would like to talk to someone on the phone, the Marie Curie support line is available to call for free from landlines and mobile phones from 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, and 10am to 4pm Saturday to Sunday at 0800 090 2309.
Please feel free to write here again, too, to tell us more about your mum, or share how you are doing and what you are dealing with any time.
Take good care,
Anke
i am so sorry for the loss of your mum ,thinking of you,
Hi Wendy, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. Thankyou for sharing something so personal with us. It sound like you are carrying an enormous amount of grief, as well as feelings of guilt and “what ifs,” which can be so overwhelming after losing someone we truly love.
From what you have shred with us, it sounds like you really cared deeply for your mum and you spent as much time with her as you could. It’s understandable that your mind keeps going back over those final days, but please try to be gentle with yourself. Many people experience these thoughts after a bereavement, even though they did everything they could at the time.
You’re also coping with severe panic attacks while grieving, and that sounds incredibly hard. I hope you have your husband, family or friends, who can support you through this difficult time you are going through. If at any point your panic attacks or your feelings become overwhelming, it may also help to speak with your GP or another healthcare professional.
Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone. We’re here to listen, and you’re very welcome to keep sharing whenever you feel ready. Sending you my heartfelt condolences.
Hi ive shut myself away other than dealing with my mum’s home. Ive done all the formalities. Probate etc.
The nightmares are horrendous. I dream my mum is.alive and shes shouting at me why have I given her things away, why did I cremate her now she doesn’t have a body. How im a bad daughter. Last night my dad was with her in my dream shouting too. I wakeup panicking and.crying loudly saying im sorry. When my son cleared my mums loft we found me and my dads fishingrod and the boat we used to sail at the pond many years ago. Im crying constantly. I feel like.ive let them down. I was sometimes irritable with her because im a carer at home too and was so tired towards the end. I tried so hard. I know it only a dream but it feels.so real and effects me all day. Im scared to goto sleep.
Hi Wendy,
Thank you so much for letting us know how you have been since you last wrote. We are so sorry that things are difficult. Dealing with the ‘sadmin’ and continuing to care for your daughter must be taxing, and it sounds like you have done very well sorting out the formalities.
We often hear that the time after the formalities have been dealt with is a new phase for many people who have lost loved ones. The shift from being occupied with paperwork to the mind catching up with events can be very unsettling. Nightmares are one way in which this can manifest itself. This does not make it easier, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this experience.
Have you considered Marie Curie’s telephone bereavement service? This would give you the opportunity to talk to a friendly, trained volunteer once a week to share your thoughts. This helped me a lot in the past when I was recently bereaved. If that sounds like something you would consider, more information can be found here: Marie Curie Telephone Bereavement Support Service.
I also hope that other members of this Community will feel comfortable sharing their experiences with you here, and lend you some support. You are always welcome to write again.
Take good care,
Anke
Hi Wendy,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sometimes part of processing things is replaying in your head all of the ‘what ifs’ because it’s just so much for us to take in emotionally and we wonder what we might have done differently. It sounds like your sleep is a real difficulty for you right now and it makes sense with the nightmares you are having.
I can understand why you wouldn’t want to sleep and see/hear those images. That must be exhausting. I absolutely second the suggestion here that Bereavement Support from Marie Curie might be a good source of support, if you’re up for that. Between the disrupted sleep and the real physical exhaustion from grieving and crying it can be hard to know where to turn.
We are here for you 
Ann
Good morning Wendy. Firstly may I offer my sincere condolences on the passing of your dear Mum. I am so sorry to read that you are going through a very difficult time having coped with so much of the organising, and dealing with the what seems like mound of paperwork, legal issues etc. Its when all of this has been done that you are allowed the time to think about how you now feel and look back at the events leading up to Mum`s passing. You have done an amazing job in coping and I can reassure you that you are not alone in re-living these times in you sleep at night, causing you to have nightmares. I agree with Ann and Daffodil that you may benefit from talking to our Bereavement Support Line who are only too happy to help where they can. I too lost my dear Mum (and Dad) and lived with so many "what if`s and wished I could turn back the clock and do things differently. You did your very best when Mum was here, and through time you will start to recall happier times and replace your anxiety with thoughts of what was good in both your lives together. We are always here for you if you want to talk.
Yvonne1